Watching Glee
by ThatSadFanGirl3027
Summary: What would Sue do to help Kurt be safe? Maybe force evryone in the warblers and the new directions watch seasons 1 & 2 of glee?
1. Chapter 1

"Hey Mercedes?" said Rachel as Mercedes come in to the coir room.

"What now Rach?" she said as she sat down.

"Well I was wondering why the choir room looks a bit like a cinema."

"Well as Sue hasn't attacked us much this week so this could be her revenge?"

"Well Aretha's right. But before the rest of your island of misfit toys come in I need Sweet Porcelain and those 'warblers' here." Said sue as she came into the choir room.

"I thought she was over leaking our setlists to the compition." Mutters Mercedes as she text Kurt

_Hey my boy can you and your boys come over to the choir room? Sue's request._

**_She isn't gonna try to kill us?_**

_I don't know she refuses to tell us till you're here._

**_Okay we'll be there soon xx_**

_Thanks xx_

"Porcelain will be here soon?" sue asked

Mercedes nodded.

When this was happening the New Directions come into the room including Mr. Shue.

"Now you mouth breathers are here, you and the 'Warblers' will be watching this pet project of mine. When Porcelain drags them here."

The new directions look at each other like Sue was talking gibberish.

"So we have to wait for Lady Lips and his fellow gays to turn up to watch your project?"

Then the Warblers walk in "We are not all gay." Said Wes

"Whatever miner detail." Said Santana

"Shut up Satan you'll scare them. why are we here?"

"Take a seat as you lot will be here for a while."

The Warblers look at Kurt then Wes. Then Blaine and Kurt sit down with the others following their lead.

"Well done. Anyway over the past year I have been videoing your lives well the 'new directions' lives. And as my sweet porcelain is in your care young Burt Reynolds and co."

Looking smug at the nickname elbowing Kurt and saying "I've got one as well."

As he rolled his eyes Finn said

"Wait you have been recording us, like everything?"

"I've had to do a lot of editing to get it down to about 50 minuets episodes." Sue said, "So you lot have lot of watching to do?"

"Um…excuse me?" Wes said

"Yes Asian number 3."

"Why are the warblers here? You didn't really explain. And my name is Wes."

"The reason you are here is that you have my Sweet Porcelain in your care and I want you to know why he is the way his is."

" this is nice and all but do we really need to know everything that has happened?" said Kurt nervously.

"Yes they do. Now all get comfy you gonna be here for a while." went into his office and brought out a lot of cushions.

"Episode one Pilot." Said Quinn as she put the DVD in the laptop that was connected to a projector.

A/N: this is my first fanfiction and it is going to take me a while because my computer is stupid but I'm going to try and do season 1 and 2.


	2. Chapter 2

[_OPEN: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. The cheerleading squad, the Cheerios, are practicing routines. They are being watched and timed by SUE SYLVESTER, their coach. One of the cheerleaders falls from the top of the formation.]_

_SUE: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded. That's hard._

_[CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY. WILL SCHUESTER drives in and parks his clunky car. He approaches a dumpster where a group of jocks including NOAH "PUCK" PUCKERMAN and FINN HUDSON are surrounding KURT HUMMEL.]_

_WILL: Making some new friends, Kurt?_

_PUCK: He sure is, Mr. Schue._

_WILL: Hey, Finn, you still owe me that report on que hace el verano pasado._

_FINN: What?_

_WILL: "What you did last summer."_

_FINN: Almost halfway done with almost all of it, Mr. Schue._

_[WILL leaves.]_

_PUCK: It's hammer time!_

_[PUCK and another jock pick KURT up.]_

_KURT: Please, this is from Marc Jacobs' new collection!_

_FINN: Wait._

_[The jocks release KURT. He takes off his jacket and hands it to FINN.]_

_FINN: Okay._

_[PUCK and the other jock toss KURT into the dumpster. FINN appears troubled.]_

Blaine and the Warblers glare at Puck Who sinks in to his seat.

"Oh my Kurt I didn't relies that happened." Said . "I'm sorry I didn't do anything."

"They stopped when Puck joined glee club." Said Kurt.

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. QUINN FABRAY jumps and performs a cheerleading pose in the air.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. WILL stands in front of a trophy display, admiring a first-place trophy that WMHS won at the 1993 Show Choir Championships. Next, he looks at a plaque awarded to LILIAN ADLER (1937-1997) with the quote "By its very definition, Glee is about opening yourself up to joy."]_

_[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL is teaching a spanish class. FINN is in the class.]_

_WILL: Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo._

_CLASS: (repeats, bored) Como esta usted? Yo me llamo Guillermo._

_WILL: Que lastima, hojala que se sienta mejor._

_CLASS: (repeats) Que lastima…_

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. Male cheerleader jumps and performs a cheerleading pose in the air.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY. SANDY RYERSON and HANK SAUNDERS are singing "Where Is Love?" from Oliver! together. RACHEL BERRY is watching, upset.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. WILL and KEN TANAKA are standing around a coffee maker without a coffee pot.]_

_WILL: Where's the coffee pot?_

_KEN: Figgins got rid of it. Budget cuts. You know, I know for a fact that they are still getting hot java at Carver. We should strike._

_[SUE enters with coffee drinks.]_

_SUE: Hello, boys. Who needs a pick-me-up?_

_KEN: Wow, lattes!_

_SUE: Yeah, I am a bit of a coffee snob. Now, the key to a perfect latte, is in the temperature of the steamed milk. I like mine scalding._

"That is true." said Blaine

_[EMMA enters.]_

_KEN: Hi, Emma._

_EMMA: Hey, Ken. Will, hi._

_WILL: Hey._

_EMMA: What's with all the lattes?_

_SUE: Oh, Emma, I just felt so awful that Figgins cut the coffee budget to pay for a nutritionist for the Cheerios._

_EMMA: Yeah, I heard you guys went, like, $600 over budget on that._

_SUE: My performers didn't get on Fox Sports Net last year because they ate at Bacon Junction._

_EMMA: Since when are cheerleaders performers?_

_SUE: Your resentment is delicious. Well, I have a phoner in a couple of minutes. It's an interview on the telephone with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone. Enjoy._

_WILL: Thanks a lot, Sue._

_[SUE exits. KEN walks over and sits down across from EMMA.]_

_KEN: I missed you at the, uh, singles mixer last weekend, Emma._

_EMMA: Yeah, I know. Big pipe exploded in my building. It was wild. I hate those mixer things though, I mean, it's like a big meat market. It's just, ugh. I did give my number to a fireman though. But he hasn't called._

_WILL: You know what, there's someone out there for everyone. I wouldn't even sweat it._

_EMMA: Hey, did you hear that Sandy Ryerson got fired?_

_WILL: Really? Well, who's going to take over Glee Club?_

_EMMA: Don't know._

_[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. PRINCIPAL FIGGINS and WILL are seated across from each other.]_

_WILL: I'd like to take over Glee Club._

_FIGGINS: You want to captain the Titanic, too?_

"Wow glee club is thought so little here." Said a random warbler

_WILL: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page._

_FIGGINS: 60 bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up._

_WILL: And you-you expect me to pay it?_

_FIGGINS: I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, 60 bucks a month. And you've got to use the costumes and props you already have. But we need the stools for wood shop._

_[CUT TO: INT. WILL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. TERRI SCHUESTER is asleep. WILL lies wide awake.]_

_WILL: (voice over) Hiding the $60 a month from my wife, Terri, was going to be hard. But I had a bigger problem. How was I going to get these kids motivated? One thing I knew for sure, we needed a new name._

_[WILL sits up, excited.]_

_WILL: "New Directions!"_

"Um…doesn't he know that is sounds like Nude Erections?" said Jeff to Nick

"I doubt it" shrugged Nick

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. MERCEDES JONES walks up to the New Directions sign-up sheet and writes down her name.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. MERCEDES is on stage.]_

_MERCEDES: My name is Mercedes Jones and I'm singing…_

_[MERCEDES sings Aretha Franklin's "Respect".]_

"That was really good Merec' " Said Kurt.

"Thanks Boo."

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. KURT walks up to the sign-up sheet and writes down his name.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. KURT is on stage.]_

_KURT: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be singing "Mr. Cellophane"._

_[KURT sings "Mr. Cellophane" from Chicago.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. TINA COHEN-CHANG writes down her name on the sign-up sheet with ARTIE ABRAMS beside her.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. TINA is on stage.]_

_TINA: (stuttering) Tina C. "I Kissed A Girl."_

_[TINA sings Katy Perry's "I KIssed A Girl".]_

"Yay a Katy song." Said Blaine.

All of the Warblers groaned.

"Not him and his Katy." Said Thad

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL approaches the sign-up sheet and writes down her name.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL is on stage.]_

_RACHEL: Hi, my name is Rachel Berry, and I'll be singing "On My Own" from the seminal Broadway classic Les Mis._

_WILL: Fantastic, let's hear it._

_[RACHEL starts singing "On My Own" from Les Miserables.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL applies a gold star sticker to the end of her name on the sign-up sheet.]_

_RACHEL: (voice over) You might laugh because every time I sign my name, I put a gold star after it. But it's a metaphor and metaphors are important. My gold stars are a metaphor for me being a star._

_[PUCK throws a slushie in RACHEL's face.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL is walking down the hallway in a rush.]_

_RACHEL: (voice over) And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor that I was the one who turned that closet case Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Saunders the solo I deserved. That's cockpoopie._

"Cockpoopie, seriously who says that these days." Said Santana

"Maybe people who wear reindeer sweaters?" said Nick

"There is nothing wrong with my clothes." Said Rachel

"Yes there is." Said Kurt

_[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. RACHEL is crying to FIGGINS.]_

_RACHEL: He was touching Hank, caressing him. It was so wrong!_

_[FIGGINS hands her a tissue. RACHEL dabs at her cheeks, smiling.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. RACHEL is admiring a photo of two men on the door of her locker.]_

_RACHEL: (voice over) I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day, we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing._

_[CUT TO: INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY. A young RACHEL dances wildly.]_

_RACHEL: (voice over) My dads spoiled me in the arts. I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge._

_[CUT TO: INT. RACHEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. RACHEL is looking at her laptop.]_

_RACHEL: (voice over) You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to tap this,_

"Seriously Rachel were you that delusional." Said Kurt

_- but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date._

_[RACHEL sets up a video recorder on a tripod and starts to sing.]_

_RACHEL: (voice over) I try to post a MySpace video every day, just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that no one's just gonna hand it to you._

_[RACHEL uploads a video of her singing.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY. QUINN FABRAY, SANTANA LOPEZ, and other Cheerios are watching RACHEL's video and laughing. QUINN writes a comment that says, "If I were your parents, I would sell you back." Another comment reads, "I'm going to scratch out my eyes." Another says, "Please get sterilized."]_

_[CUT TO: INT. RACHEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. RACHEL reads the comments.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL's audition continues.]_

_WILL: Very nice, Rachel._

_RACHEL: When do we start rehearsals?_

_[CUT TO: INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY. RACHEL, TINA, MERCEDES, KURT, and ARTIE are rehearsing "Sit Down, You're Rockin' The Boat" from Guys and Dolls. WILL is directing. They are terrible.]_

_RACHEL: We suck._

_WILL: Uh, it… It'll get there. We-we just need to keep rehearsing._

_RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?_

_ARTIE: I think Mr. Schue is using irony to enhance the performance._

_RACHEL: There is nothing ironic about show choir!_

"That is true, show choir serious." Said Wes

_WILL: Rachel… Rachel!_

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. SUE is yelling at her Cheerios. RACHEL is watching from the bleachers.]_

_SUE: That's sloppy! You're sloppy babies! It's just disgraceful! And I want the agony out of your eyes! Uh-uh, Lance, don't you start crying! You are the weak link, pal! How's it feel to be the weak link, huh?! That can't feel very good!_

_[WILL enters. He sits down behind RACHEL on the bleachers.]_

_WILL: You changed out of your costume._

_RACHEL: I'm tired of being laughed at._

_WILL: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. That comes with a price._

_RACHEL: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away, and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it._

_WILL: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer._

_RACHEL: Everybody hates me._

_WILL: And you think Glee Club is going to change that?_

_RACHEL: Being great at something is going to change it. Being a part of something special makes you special, right? I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally._

_WILL: Maybe I can coach Artie a little._

_RACHEL: Look, Mr. Schue, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with Glee. It hurts too much._

_[KEN blows his whistle to get their attention.]_

_KEN: Schuester! Figgins wants you!_

_[CUT TO: INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY. FIGGINS is punching away at his calculator.]_

_WILL: But we just started rehearsals._

_FIGGINS: My hands are tied, Schue. I need the auditorium. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to rent it out for their afternoon meetings. Lots of drunks in this town. They're paying me ten bucks a head._

_WILL: If we show at regionals, Glee stays; if not, the bar's open on the auditorium._

_FIGGINS: What is it with you and this club? You've got only five kids—one of them's a cripple._

_"__Seriously what is with is school don't they know any thing about not being bullies?" Said Blaine to Kurt_

_"__No I don't know how I survived so long"_

_WILL: Then I guess you've got nothing to worry about._

_FIGGINS: Fine._

_WILL: Yes!_

_FIGGINS: But you're running detention for free to make it up to me._

_WILL: Deal._

_[CUT TO: INT. SHEETS N THINGS - DAY. TERRI is teaching HOWARD BAMBOO how to fold a fitted sheet.]_

_TERRI: You put your hands in the corners like this. Okay?_

_HOWARD: I can't do it. I'm dyslexic. Maybe I should just stick to towels and washcloths._

_TERRI: Howard, if you can't fold a fitted sheet, you cannot work at Sheets N' Things._

_P.A.: Associate to returns._

_TERRI: Go. Make sure they have a receipt._

_[HOWARD exits. WILL enters.]_

_WILL: Someone looks beautiful today._

_TERRI: Hey._

_WILL: Hi._

_TERRI: You look very handsome._

_WILL: Thank you. I just thought I'd bring you roast beef on pumpernickel—your favorite._

_TERRI: Aw. Oh, but does it have mayo?_

_WILL: Yeah._

_TERRI: Will, if my diabetes comes back, I can't get pregnant._

_WILL: I…_

_TERRI: What is wrong with you?_

"What's wrong with you?" said Jeff

_WILL: I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to have to start working late for the next couple of months. I'm, uh, monitoring after-school detention._

_TERRI: What?_

_WILL: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club._

_TERRI: But Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day three times a week here. Now I have to go home, and I have to cook dinner for myself?_

_[HOWARD enters.]_

_HOWARD: This lady wants to return these sheets, but… something tells me we've got another bed wetter._

_TERRI: Do you see what I have to deal with here?_

_[TERRI grabs the soiled sheets. TERRI and HOWARD exit.]_

_TERRI: God, hasn't she ever heard of a diaper?_

_[WILL sees SANDY in the next aisle. He is speaking to a Sheets N' Things EMPLOYEE.]_

_SANDY: Of course, towels have a thread count, Mister… Sheets N' Things. What do you do? I read catalogues. I know these things. Anything under a 400 thread count, and I could break out in impetigo. It's simple to understand._

_[EMPLOYEE exits. WILL tries to sneak past SANDY.]_

_SANDY: William?_

_WILL: Sandy? Hey._

_SANDY: Well, hello. How are things? I hear you have taken over Glee Club._

_WILL: Yeah. I… hope you're not too upset._

_SANDY: Are you kidding? Getting out of that swirling eddy of despair: best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy at first. Being dismissed, and for what I was accused of. My long-distance girlfriend in Cleveland nearly broke up with me. Oh God, don't you love a good monkey? Took me weeks to get over my nervous breakdown._

_WILL: Did they put you on medication?_

_SANDY: Better: medical marijuana. It's genius. I just tell my Dr. Feelgood I'm having trouble sleeping, and he gives me all of it I want. I'm finding the whole system quite lucrative._

_WILL: You're a drug dealer?_

_SANDY: Oh, yeah… make five times more than when I was a teacher._

_WILL: I keep some for myself, and then I take money baths in the rest._

_SANDY: Who-who do you sell it to?_

_[CUT TO: EXT. SHADY LOT - DAY. SANDY gives KEN a packet of marijuana in exchange for money.]_

"Wow this school is fucked up." Said Nick.

_[CUT TO: INT. SHEETS N THINGS - DAY. SANDY holds up a packet of marijuana labeled The Chronic Lady.]_

_SANDY: You want in?_

_WILL: Uh, no… I mean, I tried it once in college, but Terri and I are trying to get pregnant, so…_

_[SANDY puts the packet into WILL's pocket.]_

_SANDY: Do my own packaging, and the first sample is free._

_WILL: Sandy, no._

_SANDY: Come on, you are the one who are coaching those tone-deaf acne factories. You're going to need it._

_[Sheets N' Things EMPLOYEE returns with a toilet cover.]_

_SANDY: This looks like barf. Okay? I have to do everything myself. (to WILL) Call me. (to EMPLOYEE) Come on. What's the matter with you? This is terrible._

_[CUT TO: INT. SUE'S OFFICE - DAY. SUE is dusting her cheerleading trophies when WILL knocks on her door and looks in.]_

_WILL: Hey, Sue. Can I have a sec?_

_SUE: Sure, buddy. Come on in._

_[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. EMMA steps in a large wad of chewing gum. She freaks out and sits down on a nearby bench. WILL approaches.]_

_WILL: Hey, Emma, you got a second? What is that, gum?_

_[CUT TO: INT. SUE'S OFFICE - DAY.]_

_SUE: So, you want to talk to my Cheerios about joining Glee Club?_

_WILL: Well, I need more kids - performers - and all the best ones are in the Cheerios, so I figured some of them might want to double up._

_SUE: Okay, so what you're doing right now is called blurring the lines. High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor._

_WILL: And… where do the Glee kids lie?_

_SUE: Sub-basement._

_[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. WILL is trying to scrape the gum off EMMA's shoe.]_

_EMMA: Sue's not wrong, but I don't think anything is set in stone. I mean, you know, kids are going to do what they think is cool, which is not always who they are. You just need to find a way to get them out of their boxes._

_WILL: Well, how do I do that?_

_EMMA: They follow the leader. You know, if you can get a couple of the popular kids to sign up, the rest will fall right in line._

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. WILL is jogging alongside KEN's golf cart.]_

_WILL: I just want to talk to them._

_KEN: I don't know, dude. I can't see any of my guys wanting to join Glee Club. Last month, they held down one of their teammates, shaved off his eyebrows just because he watched Grey's Anatomy._

_WILL: Look, all I'm looking for is an introduction._

_KEN: Fine. You got to put a good word in for me with Emma._

_[CUT TO: EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY. WILL finishes scraping the gum off EMMA's shoe.]_

_WILL: There you go, Cinderella._

_EMMA: Thank you. I have trouble with things like that. The, um… the… the messy things._

_WILL: Yeah._

_EMMA: It's really nice how much you care about Glee, about the kids._

_[CUT TO: INT. SUE'S OFFICE - DAY.]_

_SUE: If you really care about these kids, you'll leave well enough alone. Children like to know where they stand, so let your little Glee kids have their little club, but don't pretend that any of them are something they're not._

_[CUT TO: INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY. KEN is standing at the front of the room with WILL. The football team is scattered around.]_

_KEN: Circle up. Mr. Schuester is going to talk to you. If you don't listen, you do laps. You mouth off, you do laps. Got it? They're all yours, Will._

_WILL: Thanks, Ken. Hey, guys, how you doing? Uh, I think I recognize some of you from Spanish class, but, uh, I'm… I'm here today to talk to you about something different: music. Glee Club needs guys._

_PUCK: I can sing._

_WILL: Really? That's fantastic._

_PUCK: You wanna hear?_

_WILL: Yeah._

_[PUCK walks to the front of the locker room amid applause from the other football players. He lets out a loud fart.]_

_PUCK: Ohhh yeah._

_WILL: I'm going to put the sign-up sheet at the door to the so if anyone wants to sign up, please… Thank you._

_KEN: Dismissed. Puck, in my office in five minutes._

_WILL: You been sleeping okay? Your eyes look a little bloodshot._

_KEN: I got allergies._

_WILL: Okay. Thanks a lot._

_[CUT TO: INT. BOYS LOCKER ROOM - DAY. The New Directions sign-up sheet has three names: Gaylord Weiner, Butt Lunch, and Penis. WILL stares at the sheet, dismayed.]_

_WILL: (voice over) I honestly thought that was the end of the very brief fever dream that was "New Directions"._

_[WILL hears someone singing REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling". He finds FINN in the showers, singing to himself.]_

_WILL: (voice over) I suddenly realized why I had wanted to do this thing in the first place. It was seeing the gift in a kid that they didn't even know they had. It was pure talent. What I did then… was the blackest moment of my life._

_[CUT TO: INT. WILL'S OFFICE - DAY. WILL shows FINN the packet of marijuana that SANDY gave him.]_

_WILL: You want to tell me how long you've had a drug problem?_

_FINN: I don't even know who the Chronic Lady is._

_WILL: Look, if it were up to me, we wouldn't have mandatory bi-weekly afternoon locker checks._

_FINN: But I've never seen that before, Mr. Schue, I swear. It's not mine. I'll pee in a cup. I'll pee._

_WILL: Look, it… it wouldn't make any difference. Possession is eight-tenths of the law. I'm pretty sure that much pot is a felony. Yeah. Look, you'll get kicked out of school. You'll lose your football scholarship._

_FINN: Wait… I had a football scholarship? To… to where?_

_WILL: You could land in prison, son._

_FINN: Oh my God. Please, don't tell my mom._

"Oh My God that is illegal ." Said Rachel

_WILL: Look, I see a lot of myself in you, Finn. I know what it's like to struggle to make good life choices, and I don't want to see you throw away everything you have to offer the world. I just expected more out of you, Finn._

_FINN: (voice over) That really got to me when Mr. Schuester said that, because every day of my life, I expect more out of myself. See, I might look confidant and everything, but I really struggle with the same thing others kids do: peer pressure, acne._

_[CUT TO: INT. FINN'S HOUSE - DAY. A young FINN looks at a photograph of his father.]_

_FINN: (voice over) I never knew my dad. He died in Iraq when we were fighting Osama bin Laden the first time._

_[Young FINN plays the drums. Finns' mother CAROLE HUDSON is trying to talk on the phone.]_

_CAROLE: Hold on, hold on. Finn, Finn, Finn! Please, I'm on the phone. I just want to trade next Saturday's shift for this Saturday, because Finn's got a parents night for Cub Scouts._

_FINN: (voice over) My mom and me, we're real close, but being a single parent can be hard. The only good time for Mom was en we splurged a little bit and ordered Emerald Dreams._

_[CUT TO: EXT. FINN'S HOUSE - DAY. Emerald Dreams employee DARREN is spraying the Hudsons' front lawn. Young FINN is helping him. CAROLE is sitting close by.]_

_FINN: (voice over) Darren was good to her, and he was cool about letting me hang out._

_[Young FINN and DARREN sing Journey's "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'".]_

_FINN: (voice over) That was the first time I really heard music. Man, it set my soul on fire._

_DARREN: You got a voice, buddy. Seriously, if I had that voice, my band would still be together. Stick with it._

_[CUT TO: EXT. FINN'S HOUSE - DAY. DARREN drives by with his new girlfriend.]_

_FINN: (voice over) My mom took it real hard when Darren left her for that girl he met at Pick & Save._

_[CAROLE throws a milk jug at DARREN's truck, upset.]_

_FINN: (voice over) It was at that moment I decided to do whatever it took to make my mom proud of me. To make her feel all her sacrifice was worth it._

"How did you get our memories?" asked Finn to Sue

"That's for me to know Frankenteen and you to never know."

_[CUT TO: INT. WILL'S OFFICE - DAY.]_

_WILL: We have two options here. I'm running detention now, so you can do six weeks after school, but that's gonna remain on your permanent record._

_FINN: What's the other option, Mr. Schue?_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. FINN starts singing "You're the One that I Want" from Grease. RACHEL perks up and joins in, excited. After a moment, MERCEDES breaks them up.]_

_MERCEDES: Oh, hell to the no. Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense. I'm Beyonce. I ain't no Kelly Rowland._

_WILL: Okay, look, Mercedes, it's just one song._

_KURT: And it's the first time we've been kind of good._

_MERCEDES: Okay, you're good, white boy. I'll give you that. But you better bring it. Let's run it again._

_WILL: All right, let's do it. From the top._

_[CUT TO: INT. TERRI'S CRAFT ROOM - NIGHT. TERRI and WILL are putting together a jigsaw puzzle.]_

_WILL: You usually don't let me in your craft room._

_TERRI: Isn't this fun? And challenging. Every Wednesday, we're gonna have puzzle night. Because I know how important it is for you to have a creative outlet._

_WILL: You know, the kids have been working so hard. I was thinking about taking them on a field trip next Saturday. Carmel High's performing a showcase down in Akron. Now, Carmel's gonna be the team to beat at regionals. And I was wondering if you might want to come chaperone it with me._

_TERRI: On Saturday? Oh, I can't. I had to pick up an extra shift at work, Will. We're living paycheck to paycheck, you know._

_WILL: And how much of that paycheck goes to your Pottery Barn credit card?_

_TERRI: I don't know what you're talking about._

_[WILL stands up and heads toward a closet.]_

_TERRI: Don't go in the Christmas closet!_

_[WILL opens up the closet, revealing things TERRI has purchased without his knowledge.]_

_WILL: I was looking for my jacket the other day. We cannot afford this stuff, Terri._

_TERRI: Oh, we could, Will. Yes, I am a shoo-in to be promoted during the Christmas week at Sheets N' Things. You know, I reek of management potential. And they're hiring at H.W. Menken._

_WILL: My passion is teaching, Terri. For the last time, I don't want to be an accountant._

_TERRI: Dr. Phil said that people could change. You know, it's not a bad thing to want a real life, Will, and to have a glue gun that works! You know, it's really hard for me not having the things that I need._

_WILL: Oh! And you need three mahogany toilet brush holders?!_

_TERRI: They're Balinese! It is not a bad thing to want things, Will. You know, I understand your interest in these kids, Will. I really do. Yeah. It's your way of recapturing your glory days. But I'm not the high school cheerleader anymore, and you are not the golden boy. High school's over… for both of us. It's time that you move on._

_[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. KEN is staring at EMMA while shredding papers. EMMA is staring at WILL, who is putting up a sign-up sheet for chaperones. Once WILL leaves, EMMA walks up to the sheet and puts her name down.]_

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. PUCK is throwing footballs at another football player's head. He notices KEN yelling at FINN.]_

_KEN: You're the quarterback! No. I don't want to hear it. You make your decision. You're a football player, or you're a singer._

_[FINN walks by. PUCK catches up to him.]_

_PUCK: Hey. What's going on?_

_FINN: Oh. I just… I have to miss practice Saturday afternoon. It's, uh… it's my mom. I got to help her… cook and, uh, do things._

_PUCK: Why?_

_FINN: She just had, uh, surgery._

_PUCK: What kind of surgery?_

_FINN: Uh, well, she, um, had to have her prostate out._

_PUCK: Man, that's a tough break._

"Honestly was that you excuse? And Puck you didn't question him?" Said Kurt "I am ashamed to know you two."

_FINN: Yeah, it's, uh, engorged._

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY.]_

_SUE: You think this is hard? I'm living with hepatitis. That's hard._

_[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. KEN enters and slaps away the book that WILL was reading.]_

_KEN: You stole my quarterback._

_WILL: Okay, look. Finn's got a great voice. He just wants to express himself._

_KEN: You're screwing up my life._

_WILL: Okay, Ken? You hate football. What's this really about?_

_[CUT TO: EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY. EMMA is disinfecting the door handle of her car. KEN approaches.]_

_KEN: Hey, M&M. So, I got tickets to Monster Trucks this weekend. Luge tickets._

_EMMA: No thanks. Not really my thing._

_KEN: Truckzilla versus Truckasaurus, and get this: the trucks breathe fire._

_EMMA: Ken. Look, you know how every time you ask me out, I tell you that I'm on my period?_

_KEN: Which doesn't bother me._

_EMMA: Or I'm suffering from cluster headaches, or I'm allergic to nighttime? Those things—not really true. I'm just not interested in dating you._

_KEN: How do I get you… into my hatchback?_

_EMMA: Okay, Ken, fine, you know what, make me say it: I like somebody else. All right? Nothing I can do about it because they're unavailable, so I have to deal with that, but—_

_[KEN licks his hand and rubs it all over EMMA's car door handle.]_

"Yuck." said most of the girls

_[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY.]_

_KEN: You're right. I'm overreacting. The herd will take care of it._

_WILL: The herd?_

_KEN: The student body. The second someone tries to rise above - be different - the herd pulls them back in. So. Oh, and by the way, thanks for putting a good word in for me with Emma, buddy. I guess you just want her for yourself, huh? Adios, amigo._

_[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. RACHEL and FINN are in line for snacks. WILL and EMMA are behind them.]_

_RACHEL: You're very talented._

_FINN: Really?_

_RACHEL: Yeah. I would know. I'm very talented, too. I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item. You, the hot male lead, and me, the stunning young ingenue everyone roots for._

_FINN: Well, I, uh, have a girlfriend._

_RACHEL: Really? Who?_

_FINN: Quinn Fabray._

_RACHEL: Cheerleader Quinn Fabray? The president of the Celibacy Club?_

_[CUT TO: INT. QUINN'S HOUSE - NIGHT. FINN and QUINN are making out. FINN reaches down to touch QUINN's butt. QUINN stops him and sits up.]_

_QUINN: Wait. Let's pray._

"That is such a cock-block move." Said one of the Warblers.

_[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY.]_

_FINN: For almost four months now. She's cool. Mmm, I wonder if they have Sour Patch Kids._

_[RACHEL and FINN move forward in line.]_

_WILL: Those kielbasas look like they've been in there a while._

_EMMA: Do you want to go halvsies on a PB and J?_

_WILL: That sounds perfect._

_EMMA: Yeah?_

_WILL: Yeah. Let's go. (to people in line) Sorry. Excuse me._

_[WILL and EMMA sit down together.]_

_WILL: I haven't had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a really long time._

_EMMA: Really?_

_WILL: Yeah. My wife's allergic to nuts._

_EMMA: Well, that's really sweet, though—not eating something because she can't._

_WILL: Oh, yeah._

_EMMA: It's really nice. Oh, that's really noisy. But they're clean._

_[EMMA gives WILL half of her sandwich.]_

_WILL: Oh, my gosh._

_EMMA: How, um… How long have you two been married?_

_WILL: Mm, five years last March._

_EMMA: Really?_

_WILL: Yeah. But we've been together since high school. I mean, she was my first girlfriend, actually._

_EMMA: Was it love at first sight?_

_WILL: For me it was. I don't know. She used to be filled with so much joy._

_EMMA: And now?_

_[The lights flicker.]_

_WILL: Oh. Showtime. You don't want to hear about my marital problems._

_EMMA: Oh, no, I do. I-I do. I mean, I-I'd love to hear. You… I mean, I'm not happy that you have marital problems, but people talk to me a lot 'cause I'm a guidance counselor._

_WILL: Okay, here's the thing. Terri rides me hard, and I've always appreciated it. I figure she just wants me to be better, you know? But lately, though, I keep asking myself, better at what? Making money? Being upwardly mobile? I don't know. I-I love her. Don't get me wrong. We just got to get back on the same page._

_EMMA: Do you like the sandwich?_

_WILL: Oh my God, it's like the best I've ever had._

_[CUT TO: INT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL, EMMA, and the New Directions are seated together, about to watch Carmel High's glee club perform. WILL leans over to the others.]_

_WILL: Hey, guys, so this is supposed to be our competition, but, uh, I honestly don't think that they've got the talent that we've got. But let's be a good audience, all right? Give 'em some of that old McKinley High respect._

"No offence but they are the best in the country you must have been delusional to think you were better." Said Wes

_ANNOUNCER: Please give a warm Buckeye State welcome to last year's regional champions, Vocal Adrenaline!_

_[Vocal Adrenaline performs Amy Winehouse's "Rehab". It is amazing. Everyone cheers. New Directions is stunned.]_

_TINA: We're d-d-doomed._

_[CUT TO: EXT. CARMEL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY. FINN walks past a group of Carmel High drummers. PUCK and a few football players are waiting for him around the corner with paintball guns.]_

_PUCK: Chicks don't have prostates. I looked it up. You broke the rules, Finn, and for that, you must be punished._

_[The football players hold up their paintball guns and surround FINN.]_

_FINN: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You've got the power here, okay? You-you don't have to do this._

_[The football players open fire.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. WILL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT. WILL enters. TERRI is waiting for him with champagne. A banner that reads "Congratulations" is hanging in the doorway.]_

_TERRI: There's my baby._

_WILL: Wow, honey. This is amazing. What-what's the congratulations for? The kids haven't won anything yet._

_TERRI: I'm pregnant._

_WILL: Really?_

_TERRI: Yeah._

_WILL: Terri, don't mess with me. Oh my God, this is amazing. We're going to be a family. Oh my God. Oh! Can't believe it._

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL is breaking the bad news to the New Directions.]_

_ARTIE: You're leaving us? When?_

_WILL: Well, I've given my two weeks' notice, but I promise I'm gonna find you guys a great replacement before I go._

_MERCEDES: Is this 'cause those Carmel kids were so good? Because we can work harder._

_RACHEL: This isn't fair, Mr. Schuester. We can't do this without you._

_FINN: So does that mean that I don't have to be in the club anymore or…?_

"Ever so sensitive Finn" Said Kurt

_WILL: This isn't about you guys. Being an adult is about having to make difficult choices. It's not like high school. Sometimes you have to give up the things that you love. One day you guys are going to grow up and understand that. I have loved being your teacher._

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. WILL is packing up his things. He picks up his guitar and starts singing John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane"._

_[CUT TO: EXT. MCKINLEY HIGH - DAY. EMMA draws a heart around WILL's face in the yearbook.]_

"Called it!" said Jeff

_[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL fills out a job application for H.W. Menken.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. EMMA overhears other teachers talking about WILL.]_

_TEACHER: I heard he's having a baby. That's why he gave Figgins his notice._

_[CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY. WILL finishes filling out his job application. EMMA walks up to him.]_

_EMMA: Need help grading those papers?_

_WILL: It's actually an application for H.W. Menken. They're hiring. Come on. Accounting is sexy. I'll miss you._

_EMMA: Before you leave, can you do me a favor?_

_WILL: Yeah._

_EMMA: I made an appointment for you tomorrow in the career center. You need some guidance._

_WILL: I'm having a kid, Emma. What I need is better benefits._

_EMMA: Just come, Will, for me._

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. FINN shuts his locker and finds RACHEL standing there.]_

_RACHEL: Didn't see you at Glee Club today._

_FINN: Is that still happening?_

_RACHEL: I've taken over. I'm interim director, but I expect the position will become permanent._

_[QUINN and SANTANA enter.]_

_QUINN: Hi, Finn. (to RACHEL) RuPaul._

_FINN: Hey._

_QUINN: What are you doing talking to her?_

_RACHEL: Science project—we're partners._

_QUINN: Christ Crusaders tonight at 5, my house._

_FINN: Sounds great._

_[QUINN and SANTANA exit.]_

_FINN: Look, I-I should go. I can't do Glee anymore. It conflicts with…_

_RACHEL: Your reputation? You've really got something, Finn, and you're throwing it away._

_FINN: I-I'm going to be late._

_RACHEL: You can't keep worrying about what people think of you, Finn. You're better than all of them._

_[CUT TO: EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY. Football players are rehearsing. FINN and PUCK are talking.]_

_PUCK: What do you want me to do, apologize? That's not me, dude. Look, if I joined the flag team, you'd beat the crap out of me. I just don't understand why you did it._

_FINN: Schuester told me it'd give me enough extra credit to pass Spanish if I joined the club, okay? I… I didn't have a choice. If I failed another class, I'd be off the team. Look, it's over, okay? I quit. Anything else?_

_PUCK: No, that's it. And as a welcome back to the world of the normal… I got you a present._

_[PUCK walks ahead. FINN hears a sound.]_

_FINN: What's that noise?_

_[ARTIE is trapped inside a portable toilet.]_

_ARTIE: Help, help! Help!_

"O.M.G!" Said on of the Warblers.

_[FINN walks up to the group of portable toilets. PUCK and other football players are standing nearby.]_

_FINN: What's going on?_

_PUCK: We got that wheelchair kid inside. We're going to flip it._

_FINN: Isn't that kind of dangerous?_

_PUCK: He's already in a wheelchair. Come on, dude, we saved you the first roll._

_[FINN shakes his head. He opens the portable toilet and pulls ARTIE out.]_

_ARTIE: Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Oh my God, the smell._

_PUCK: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser._

_FINN: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers—everyone in this school. Hell, everyone in this town. Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it. I'm not afraid of being called a loser 'cause I can accept that that's what I am. But I am afraid of turning my back on something that actually made me happy for the first time in my sorry life._

_PUCK: So what? Are you quitting to join Homo Explosion?_

_FINN: No. I'm doing both. 'Cause you can't win without me and neither can they._

_[FINN wheels ARTIE away. In the distance, DARREN, the Emerald Dreams employee from FINN's childhood is spraying the football field and singing Journey.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. RACHEL and the rest of New Directions are arguing when FINN wheels ARTIE in.]_

_RACHEL: Look, you guys, these steps are not hard. I've been doing them since preschool._

_KURT: I'm sorry, did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you._

_RACHEL: I know what I'm talking about. I won my first dance competition when I was three months old._

_KURT: (to FINN) This is a closed rehearsal._

_FINN: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people._

_RACHEL: That was you?_

_KURT: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me._

_FINN: I know._

_KURT: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof._

_FINN: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry. Look, that isn't who I am, and I'm tired of it. This is what I want to be doing, with you guys. I used to think that this was like, the lamest thing on Earth, and maybe it is, but… we're all here for the same reason—'cause we want to be good at something. Artie, you play guitar, right? Think you could recruit the jazz band?_

_ARTIE: I do have pull there._

_FINN: All right. Mercedes, we need new costumes, and they have to be cool. Can you do that?_

_MERCEDES: Damn, don't you see what I got on?_

_FINN: Rachel, you can do choreography. Tina, what are you good at? _

_TINA: I-I…_

_FINN: We'll figure something out for you._

_MERCEDES: And what are you bringing to the table, Justin Timberlake?_

_FINN: I've got the music._

_[CUT TO: INT. TEACHERS LOUNGE - DAY. WILL and EMMA are sitting together at a table.]_

_EMMA: I want to show you something. I did a little research… and this is a tape I found in the library of the '93 team at nationals._

_[EMMA plays the tape for WILL.]_

_EMMA: Do you know who that is? That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you._

_WILL: That was the greatest moment of my life._

_EMMA: Why?_

_WILL: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were halfway through with that number that we were going to win. Being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I've felt that way since then was when Terri told me I was going to be a father. No. No, I need to provide for my family._

_EMMA: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing? Or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about?_

_[CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - DAY. WILL is walking away when he hears music from the auditorium.]_

_[CUT TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY. The New Directions perform Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'". WILL watches them perform. SUE, QUINN, and SANTANA watch from the rafters. PUCK from one of the exits. When they're done, WILL claps.]_

_WILL: Good, guys. It's a nine. We need a ten. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B."_

_FINN: So does this mean you're staying?_

_WILL: It would kill me to see you win nationals without me. From the top._

"That is that episode." Said Quinn pausing the DVD

" " Said Kurt "How many episodes are there?"

"21 more" Said Sue "And if I was you I get some snacks as you lot are gonna be here till we finish."

"But what about Warbler and New Direction practice, and class on top of that." Said Wes.

"I have convince your Princepal and Figgins to count this as 'Glee Workshop' so you don't have any school just watching this show."

Blaine raised his hand.

"yes, Gay Clark Kent from the First Season of Smallville."

"um, do we go home or-"

"-you will go and get 'sleep-over' stuff and then you will come back."

A/N: Sorry I took so long but I wanted to make sure it was done. My updates will take forever but they will be here, there reason is I'm starting my GCSE's this year (sarcastic yay) and I have to go to my nan's to use her internet. But I promise you will have a a fanfiction that has at least seson one in it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I'm sooo sooo sorry I was all like yes I'm gonna update then I got back to school and my teachers don't aprectate that I like to edit my uniform and I have extra lessons because I'm too smart for my own good. ;-)**

_2 hours later… _

_"__Hi guys, what do you have with you?" asked Finn_

_"__Well I did have alcohol with me till Sylvester took it off me." Said Puck grumpily_

_"__That's because 1) we are on school grounds 2) you shouldn't have it on you. And 3) the last time Kurt had alcohol-" stated Tina till Kurt cut her off._

_"__What good points Tina but shouldn't we got ready for this 'glee workshop,' " Kurt said directing a couple of warbler were to put his stuff. ("Honestly Kurt, you have more clothes then the girls combined." Whinnied Nick)_

_"__Finally, Gay Hogwarts and McKinley's Misfits. Next up is Showmance. Good luck." Sue said not really meaning her last words, as she walked out of the Choir Room._

_There was a visible spit between the New Directions and the Warblers until Mercedes and Brittany stood up and walked over to Kurt -who was sat in the awkwardly middle with Blaine and the warblers on his left and the new direction on his right—Mercedes sat on his direct right and Brittany sat on his lap, many of the Warblers we confused about that._

_"__Should we start" said Kurt_

_Quinn got up and played momma (pun intended) and sorted out the DVD._

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT – DAY

[WILL pulls into the school parking lot in his car. His license plate reads "glee." He exits the car and walks toward the school. RACHEL approaches and walks alongside him.]

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester!

WILL: Yeah?

RACHEL: I went to the library and I got some sheet music, and I wanted to run some songs by you that feature me heavily on lead vocal.

_There was a cough "Arrogant much?" that sound like Jeff_

_Then there was another cough that said "true." That sounded like Santana_

WILL: Thanks, Rach, but I already got one picked out.

[FINN appears at RACHEL's side, reaching out to wheel her schoolbag for her. WILL falls behind.]

FINN: Let me help you with that.

RACHEL: Thanks, Finn. You're so chivalrous.

FINN: Thanks. That's a good thing, right?

_"__Honestly Finn what are we gonna do with you?" asked Kurt._

[WILL moves to walk alongside MERCEDES, ARTIE, and TINA.]

WILL: Morning, guys.

MERCEDES: Hey, Mr. Schue. We're just learning some runs.

WILL: Oh, yeah?

MERCEDES: So it goes- (vocalizing)

WILL, TINA, and ARTIE: (vocalizing)

WILL: With the finger, huh?

MERCEDES: Pretty fly for a white guy.

_"__Mercedes if it was the other way round it would be counted as racism, did you know that?" Brittany said shocking a few people._

WILL: Oh, thank you, thank you. Hey, don't be late for rehearsal this afternoon.

MERCEDES: Okay.

WILL: All right.

[WILL separates from the three and continues walking toward the school. PUCK, KURT, and five male students in letterman jackets are standing in front of the dumpster. PUCK has his arm around KURT.]

WILL: Morning, Kurt.

PUCK: Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue.

[KURT watches WILL pass with apprehension.]

WILL: (chuckling) Hey! Let's go Titans.

PUCK: Yeah. Come on (To KURT).

KURT: Wait.

[KURT throws his bag into the arms of a jock.]

KURT: One day, you will all work for me.

[PUCK and another student lift KURT and toss him into the dumpster.]

_"__That was why tossing Kurt was so much more fun." Puck said to himself. He got a few curious looks. "He has more sass then all the girls I've fucked put together, minus Santana."_

CUT TO:

EXT/INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

[WILL walks down the hall and turns to address a student.]

WILL: Diana, thank you so much for that apple. It was very, very nice of you. All right? (chuckles)

[EMMA stands at the top of the stairs, looking at her watch before rounding the corner. She approaches WILL as he walks toward her with his head down, and they collide.]

WILL: Oh!

EMMA: (gasping) Oh, Will! Oh, gosh.

WILL: Hey, Emma.

EMMA: Hi.

WILL: Hey. I wanted to thank you so much for the advice you gave me the other day. I mean, teaching here and coaching Glee Club – It's where I belong.

EMMA: Oh, it's no problem. I mean, it's what I do. You know, I give counsel and give guidance. I'm a guidance counselor.

WILL: Yeah, you are.

EMMA: Oh, look. We match. Periwinkle.

WILL: Yeah.

[SANTANA and QUINN appear at the top of the stairs and walk by. SANTANA rolls her eyes.]

SANTANA: (sardonically) Get a room.

QUINN: Ms. Sylvester wants to see you in her office, Mr. Shue. She doesn't like to be kept waiting.

WILL: You got it.

[WILL chuckles nervously.]

CUT TO:

INT. SUE'S OFFICE – DAY

[School bell rings. WILL opens the door.]

WILL: Hey, Sue. You want to see me?

SUE: Hey, buddy. Come on in.

[SUE, dismounting the treadmill she had been using, wipes her face with a towel.]

SUE: (groans) I just blasted my hammies.

WILL: Oh.

SUE: (laughs) Iron tablet?

[SUE tosses a bottle of pills to WILL.]

WILL: Uh-

SUE: Keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.

WILL: I don't menstruate.

SUE: Yeah? Neither do I. –

_A few nevous laughs came from the Warbler side of the room._

So, I had a little chat with Principle Figgins and he said that if your group doesn't place at regionals, he's cutting the program. (sarcastically) Ouch.

WILL: You know, you don't have to worry about Glee Club. We're gonna be fine.

SUE: Really? 'Cause I was at the local library, where I read _Cheerleading Today_ aloud to blind geriatrics, and I came across this little page-turner.

[SUE walks over to her desk and retrieves a book, displaying the cover to WILL.]

SUE: _Show Choir Rule Book. _And it turns out, you need 12 kids to qualify for regionals. Last time I looked, you only had five and a half. Here.

[SUE hands WILL the book.]

SUE: (explaining her earlier comment) Cripple in the wheelchair. I also took the liberty of highlighting some special ed classes for you. Maybe you could find some recruits.

[SUE hands WILL a slip of paper and picks up a pair of hand weights. She lifts them into the air repeatedly while continuing the conversation.]

SUE: 'Cause I'm not sure there's anybody else who's gonna wanna swim over to your island of misfit toys.

WILL: Are you threatening me, Sue?

SUE: Threatening you? Oh, no, no, no. Presenting you with an opportunity to compromise yourself? You betcha.

_"__ooooo, show down" said Jeff,_

_ "__yup and that was only the beginning." Said Kurt._

[SUE sets the weights down.]

SUE: Let's break it down. You want to be creative. You want to be in the spotlight. Face it. You want to be me.

[WILL stifles a chuckle.]

SUE: So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy, elderly mother. Euthanize it. It's time. And then I'll be happy to offer you a job as my second assistant on Cheerios. You can fetch me Gatorade and launder my soiled delicates. It'll be very rewarding work for you.

WILL: You know what, Sue? I politely decline your offer. Glee Club is here to stay. I believe in my kids. I know you're used to be the cock of the walk around here.

SUE: Offensive.

_Cue a few stuffeled laughs._

WILL: But it looks like your Cheerios are gonna have some competition. We're gonna show at regionals. You have my word on that.

[WILL tosses the pills back to Sue and opens the door.]

WILL: Have a good day.

[WILL exits. SUE smiles to herself.]

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

[Bell rings. QUINN and FINN are having a conversation as FINN retrieves books from his locker. RACHEL is at her own locker a few feet from them, facing away. She angles a small mirror in her hand to watch the exchange behind her.]

QUINN: We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years.

FINN: Yeah, I know.

QUINN: Prom king and queen. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself.

FINN: Look, you're making too big a deal out of this.

[RACHEL closes her mirror and settles for listening intently.]

QUINN: Okay. Let's compromise. If you quit the club, I'll let you touch my breast.

FINN: Under the shirt?

QUINN: Over the bra.

(FINN pauses, momentarily conflicted.]

_"__Such a boy," said Kurt. He got a couple of odd looks._

_"__Pffft, if Blaine said that you could wank him off, after being a prude for months, if you stopped reading your cosmo I bet you would be conflicted." Said Puck_

_"__Point one; how do you know what I read and Point two; why is everyone shipping me with Blaine?!"_

_"__Answer one; It's ether listen to you and the girls Cosmo talks of Rachel's bitching. Answer 2; Two words for you sexual tention." Said Puck. Kurt just rolled his eyes._

FINN: No. No, I can't.

[QUINN scoffs.]

FINN: I want to do Glee. I'm really happy when I'm performing.

QUINN: People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes me? Your big gay beard.

FINN: Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everything's gonna work out.

[FINN closes his locker and exits.]

QUINN: (To RACHEL) Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands. You can dance with him. You can sing with him. But you will never have him.

RACHEL: I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it.

[RACHEL turns to walk away and two slushies are promptly thrown in her face. PUCK and another JOCK, the culprits, high five each other as they walk away.]

PUCK: Awesome.

JOCK: Holla!

[Bell rings.]

CUT TO:

GLEE CLUB (singing): Ah, freak out,

Le freak, c'est chic,

Freak out,

WILL: Energy, guys! It's disco.

GLEE CLUB: Le freak, c'est chic,

Ah, freak out

WILL: Good with the hands. John Travolta hands. All right.

GLEE CLUB: Le freak, c'est chic

WILL: We're freaking out. Let's go.

GLEE CLUB: Freak out,

Le freak, c'est chic

WILL: And up and out and down. Good.

GLEE CLUB: Have you heard

WILL: Good. Good. Good, guys.

GLEE CLUB: About the new dance craze.

Listen to us I'm sure you'll be amazed

Big fun

[RACHEL kicks out her leg while dancing, coming uncomfortably close to MERCEDES' face.]

MERCEDES: (To RACHEL) Whoa, whoa! Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again, and I will cut you!

_"__This is the type of girl that Wes needs to date." Said Jeff_

_"__What one that will cut him 'cuz of bad song choices?" said Nick_

(To WILL) And, also, this song is terrible.

WILL: No, no, no. It's not the song. You guys just need to get into it.

KURT: (annoyed) No, it's the song. It's really gay.

_"__Irony." Santana and Jeff coughed at the same time._

ARTIE: We need modern music, Mr. Schue.

WILL: I'm sorry, guys. We don't have time to discuss this. We're doing this song this Friday at the pep assembly.

TINA: (incredulously) In front of the whole school?

WILL: (mistaking her outburst for excitement) Exactly.

KURT: They're gonna throw food at us. And I just had a facial.

RACHEL: I'll press charges if that happens.

WILL: Guys. I can't express to you how important this assembly is.

[FINN appears terrified. RACHEL looks at him with concern. The rest of the club are visibly upset.]

WILL: We need recruits. There are six of you. We need twelve to qualify for regionals. We have no choice or the club is over. I know you guys don't like this song, but we took nationals back in '93 with "Freak Out." It's a crowd-pleaser. Trust me. From the top.

FINN: I'm dead.

[RACHEL continues to look concerned as the rest of the club move away.]

CUT TO:

INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME - DAY

[WILL and TERRI are seated in the living room of a house they would like to buy. A REALTOR stands before them with a small-scale model of the house.]

WILL: (voice-over) My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with Mom.

REALTOR: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.

TERRI: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colors? Because, well, obviously we're expecting a family. And I have a real sense it might be a girl.

[As TERRI chatters on, WILL becomes more uneasy.]

WILL: [voice-over] Still, I can't believe we're actually doing this. It all happened so fast.

FLASHBACK TO:

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT, DINING ROOM - DAY

[WILL and TERRI are seated at the table with TERRI's sister, KENDRA, and her husband. KENDRA's three sons are running around the table, screaming continuously and causing damage.]

WILL: (voice-over) It all started when Terri's sister Kendra brought her kids over for Sunday brunch.

KENDRA: (To TERRI) Well, I just don't understand where you're planning on putting the nursery.

TERRI: I know.

WILL: Well, we have a second bedroom.

KENDRA: You are not giving up your craft room, Terri. A mother needs her respite. That craft room is the only thing that's gonna keep you from going all Susan Smith on that little angel. (To WILL) Postpartum runs in our family.

[KENDRA's husband rises from his seat.]

KENDRA: Where are you going?

HUSBAND: (hesitantly) Bathroom. All that bran.

_Santana made a whipped sound. Then Jeff stood up and went over to Santana for a high 5_

_"__This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." Said Santana as Jeff sat down next to her._

KENDRA: No, you can't. Kyle needs his inhaler.

[HUSBAND sits down, looking dejected. WILL lets out a scream over the noise and ends it with a laugh. He is overwhelmed by the screaming boys.]

KENDRA: Anyway, this conversation is over. They're starting construction on a new section of our subdivision.

[TERRI gasps.]

KENDRA: You are not bringing my niece or nephew home to this apartment. When pigs fly.

HUSBAND: (To KENDRA) Can I eat this?

[WILL lets his fork drop to his plate in frustration. The screaming persists.]

CUT TO:

INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME – DAY, CONT.

[The REALTOR leads TERRI and WILL through the house.]

REALTOR: This banister was made by Ecuadorean children.

[TERRI gasps in excitement.]

WILL: It's great, Terri, but there are nine foreclosures on our street. Why can't we buy one of those? They're half the price.

TERRI: I'm not raising my baby in a used house. They're not clean.

[They enter the kitchen and TERRI gasps.]

TERRI: Look at the sun nook. Isn't it beautiful?

WILL: Is it extra?

REALTOR: Mm. The price in the brochure is for the basic model. Everything else is à la carte. The grand foyer is an extra 14,000, and the sun nook is an extra 24.

[WILL sighs at the price.]

REALTOR: I'll let you two talk.

TERRI: Thank you.

WILL: Thank you. Hmm. We can't afford this.

TERRI: We already did the math, Will. All we have to do is give up Applebee's and we won't run the A.C. for the first couple of summers.

WILL: Well, we certainly can't afford the grand foyer and the sun nook. I mean, if we bite off more than we can chew, we'll lose everything. You need to pick one.

TERRI: (chuckles) Come with me. I'm gonna show you something really special.

CUT TO:

INT. PROSPECTIVE HOME, BEDROOM - DAY

[WILL and TERRI are standing in the doorway of a bedroom decorated for a little girl.

TERRI: This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on shows for me.

WILL: I love it, Terri, but we still can't afford everything.

[TERRI sighs.]

TERRI: (To herself) It's my very own Sophie's choice. (To WILL) Fine. I'm gonna give up the sun nook for the grand foyer. But I really need the polished door handles.

[WILL sighs and looks away.]

TERRI: Think of our family, Will. This is our dream.

WILL: (voice-over) I knew in that moment that I would do whatever it took, even if it meant getting a part-time job to make some extra money to make that dream come true. (To TERRI) Let's go sign those papers.

[WILL places a kiss on TERRI's forehead and exits.]

TERRI: (whispering) Yes!

CUT TO:

INT. CHOIR ROOM - DAY

[KURT and MERCEDES are talking swiftly to themselves. RACHEL is sitting behind FINN in the stands, looking at him with longing.]

KURT: You need to call me before you dress yourself.

MERCEDES: Whatever. Whatever

KURT: You look like a Technicolor zebra.

MERCEDES: You're a hater. That's what you are.

KURT: I look like I'm a part of it.

MERCEDES: You're trying to copy me.

KURT: It looks like I planned it.

MERCEDES: You know what, if your hair was longer, you'd have curls.

_Mercedes and Kurt looked at each other and burst in to laugher._

[WILL enters. TINA and ARTIE appear on screen.]

WILL: All right, guys. How about a little Kanye?

[WILL begins to hand out sheet music. Several students gasp in excitement.]

MERCEDES: For the assembly?

WILL: No. We won't be ready in time. We're still doing disco. But we can fold this into our repertoire and it'll be awesome at regionals. Communication is the foundation of any successful music group. If we're gonna succeed, we need to communicate. You guys said you wanted modern music, I listened.

ARTIE: Mr. Schue, we'd really like to not do disco at the assembly.

WILL: Finn, you're gonna take the solo.

[RACHEL smiles at FINN. FINN looks at WILL fearfully.]

FINN: What? No, I- I can't do the solo, Mr. Schue. I'm still learning how to walk and sing at the same time.

WILL: No problem. I'll walk you through it.

GLEE CLUB: Ooh!

MERCEDES: Challenge.

WILL: Hey, Mercedes. You know this?

MERCEDES: Oh, I got this.

[MERCEDES sings the opening lines to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West. The rest of the glee club, dancing in place, joins in, and WILL takes the lead.]

GLEE CLUB (SINGING):

She take my money,

Yeah, she's a triflin' friend indeed,

Oh, she's a gold digger, way over town, That digs on me

She give me money

**now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger**

when I'm in need

**but she ain't messin' with no broke, broke (X2)**

I gotta leave

**Get down, girl, go ahead, get down (X4)**

she give me money

**cutie the bomb met her at a beauty salon**

when I'm in need

**with a baby Louis Vuitton under her underarm**

she give me money

**I can tell you rock I can tell by ya charm**

When I'm in need

**Far as girls, you got a flock, I can tell by your charm and your arm But I'm looking for the one have you seen her**

No we ain't seen her

She give me money

**Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger**

When I'm in need

**But she ain't messin' with no one broke, broke (X2)**

I gotta leave

**Get down, girl, go ahead, get down (X4)**

She give me money

**Eighteen years,18 years**

When I'm in need

**She got one of your kids,**

**Got you for 18 years**

She give me money

**I know someone payin' child support for one of his kids**

When I'm in need

**His baby mama car crib is bigger that his**

**You see him on TV any given Sunday**

I gotta leave

**Win a Super bowl and drive off in a Hyundai**

I gotta leave

**She was supposed to buy your shorty Tyco with money**

I gotta leave

**She went to the doctor and got lipo with your money**

**She walkin' round looking like Michael with your money**

**Should of got that insured GEICO for your money**

She give me money

**If you ain't no punk, holla we want prenup**

We want prenup

_"__Kurt you danced so… white." Said Jeff_

_"__Kurtie you looked so socked about Mercedes's voice." Brittany said "why?"_

_"__Because that was the first time I had herd it to that extreme." _

[The glee club continues to sing, with WILL dancing around them. WILL initiates some simple choreography and the students mimic him. The musical number comes to an end, and everyone laughs.]

WILL: All right, just like that. Ready?

CUT TO:

INT. LADIES ROOM – DAY

[EMMA steps out of a stall, gingerly holding her hands in the air as she approaches the sinks. Someone can be heard coughing and retching, so EMMA goes to investigate. She opens the stall to find RACHEL on her knees, hunched over the toilet.]

EMMA: Rachel, did you just throw up?

RACHEL: No.

EMMA: You missed the toilet.

RACHEL: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.

EMMA: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift. Let's have a little chat, okay?

_Cue multiple snorts for both clubs._

CUT TO:

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE – DAY

[EMMA hands RACHEL a pamphlet titled "So You Like Throwing Up: Understanding and Overcoming Bulimia." EMMA peers out into the corridor and waves to WILL.

EMMA: (clears throat) Rachel, bulimia is a very messy, serious disease.

RACHEL: I don't have bulimia. I tried it and failed and won't ever attempt it again.

EMMA: Okay.

RACHEL: It grossed me out.

EMMA: Okay. But I still want to talk about the feelings that you had that led up to you wanting to puke your guts out.

RACHEL: I want to be thinner. Prettier, like that Quinn girl.

EMMA: Mm-hm. And, um, why is that?

RACHEL: Have you ever liked someone so much you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music and cry?

EMMA: No.

[EMMA's eyes flicker to WILL in the hallway.]

CUT TO:

INT. EMMA'S CAR – DAY

[EMMA sits in her car, crying. It is raining heavily outside. "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen plays on the radio, and EMMA sings along.]

EMMA: (crying) By myself. I'm by myself.

_Awkward silence when through the room. There was a random cough._

CUT TO:

INT. GUIDANCE OFFICE – DAY, CONT.

EMMA: Uh, but a boy crush, huh? I know about that. I mean, not now. It takes me back in the- Like a long time ago, I knew about that. You know what? You need to remember, Rachel, to protect your heart. I don't care who he is. If he doesn't like you for the way you are, if he's- You know, he's married with a baby on the way- That's not worth the heartache. You don't want to compromise yourself for that. Um- (clears throat) Have you just tried telling him how you feel?

RACHEL: (dejectedly) He doesn't even notice me.

EMMA: I see. Um- okay. Well, here's what I think. Common interests are the key to romance. All right? So find out what he likes. Then he'll see you in a positive way and maybe you'll end up doing something that you never would have expected.

[RACHEL nods and smiles hopefully.]

CUT TO:

INT. FIGGINS' OFFICE – DAY

[RACHEL and FINN are sitting in front of FIGGINS' desk. SUE and WILL stand on opposite sides of the room.]

SUE: Would you like to tell Principal Figgins and Mr. Schuester what I caught you two doing?

FINN: It just sort of happened.

_"__oh, it just sort of happened. Pfft." Said puck wiggling his eye brows at Quinn _

RACHEL: I don't mean to be rude, but I think she's overreacting.

SUE: You watch your tone, young lady. (To FIGGINS) Gay parents encourage rebellion. There are studies on this.

WILL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (To RACHEL) All right, tell me what happened, Rachel.

RACHEL: Finn was worried about having to perform a solo at the pep assembly in front of his chromosomally challenge friends. I was immediately concerned by his lack of self-esteem and made a creative preemptive strike.

FINN: Yeah, pretty much what she said.

CUT TO:

INT. ART ROOM – DAY

[RACHEL and FINN are sitting at the table, working on a flyer.]

RACHEL: You know, one of the amazing things about being in the performing arts is that you can parlay it into so many different fields. Like Justin Timberlake- He's a singer, but he also has a clothing line. And, you know, he makes things like shirts and belts.

FINN: Who's Justin Timberlake?

RACHEL: (voice-over) It was a twofold plan.

CUT TO:

INT. COPY ROOM – DAY

[RACHEL and FINN are making copies of their flyer.]

RACHEL: (voice-over) We figured that with the right marketing strategy, we could pull from the entire student body without having an assembly, thus creating the diverse Glee Club this school has been craving.

[SUE steps into the room. When she realizes what they are doing, she drops her protein shake on the floor.]

_"__Drama queen." Coughed Jeff_

CUT TO:

INT. FIGGINS' OFFICE – DAY, CONT.

SUE: That copy machine is for Cheerios use only. Paid for by alumni donations. I can't begin to fathom the damage you'd have done to the program had you broken it.

WILL: Hold on a second, Sue.

SUE: I resent being told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second-class citizen because of my gender.-

_"__first world feminists at there prime." Blaine whispered to Kurt_

There is a very clear bureaucracy when it comes to photocopies, and you seem to think that these procedures don't apply to your students. (To FIGGINS) It is my strong recommendation that both these students be hobbled.

_"__Feminist mode." Said one of the Warblers_

WILL: (To FINN and RACHEL) How many copies did you guys make?

SUE: (To FIGGINS) Seventeen.

WILL: Okay. And how much does a photocopy cost?

FIGGINS: Four and a half cents.

WILL: How about they just pay for the copies?

FIGGINS: I like this compromise. Children, pay Ms. Sylvester, and we'll let you off with a warning. And Sue, I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you to personally clean the congealed protein shake off the photocopy room floor

SUE: That's why we have janitors.

FIGGINS: Sue, we're in a recession, and concessions must be made. I've laid off half the janitorial staff. We all need to lend a hand.

[RACHEL, FINN and WILL nod.]

SUE: Lady Justice wept today.

[SUE extends her hand to FINN and RACHEL in expectation of payment.]

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

FINN: I'm sorry about that Mr. Schue.

RACHEL: I'd like to get the flyers up before lunch tomorrow.

WILL: You know what, guys? I don't want to hear it.

RACHEL: Doing that song is gonna kill any chance the Glee Club has. It's a terrible idea.

WILL: I have news for you, Rachel. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. We're doing the assembly and you're not putting up those flyers. Everybody loves disco!

_"__Of course." Said Blaine really existed _

_"__No that is only you and " said Kurt taping Blaine's arm_

[WILL exits down the hall.]

FINN: It's official. I'm a dead man.

RACHEL: Look, I know you're nervous, but you're really, really talented.

FINN: (bashful) Stop it.

RACHEL: I mean, maybe it'll all be okay. Do you want to practice for the assembly tomorrow after school?

FINN: I can't. I got a Celibacy Club meeting.

[FINN walks away, and RACHEL watches him leave.]

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT, BATHROOM – DAY

[WILL and TERRI are sitting together in the bathtub, TERRI'S back pressed to WILL'S chest.]

WILL: Baby, I have some bad news.

TERRI: A wealthy relative died?

WILL: I don't have any wealthy relatives.

TERRI: Oh.

WILL: I've just been pounding the pavement all week after Glee rehearsal. I- I can't find any extra work. That probably means no grand foyer.

TERRI: Why can't we ever be the ones to catch a break?

WILL: No, no, no. It's gonna be okay, baby. I mean, we don't need a grand foyer to be happy.

TERRI: No. You know what? I'm so tired of the compromising. I want my grand foyer. I want my dream house. I work hard. I sacrifice. I deserve it.

[TERRI steps out of the tub and begins pulling on her robe.]

TERRI: You know, we give and we give. Do you think that the big shots at Sheets N' Things care that I sell more personal massagers than any other assistant manager? No. Or do you think that those kids- that they give a damn that we go with so little because you spend all your spare time choreographing those stupid dance routines? I mean, when does anyone start giving back?

[TERRI exits. WILL sighs and sinks down under the water.]

CUT TO:

INT. COPY ROOM – DAY

[FIGGINS is kneeling on the floor, scraping off congealed protein shake. WILL enters.]

WILL: I thought you asked Sue to clean up after herself.

FIGGINS: Sue got a note from the school nurse claiming that her lupus made it impossible to bend over a bucket of suds. I've been here till 10:00 pm every night up to my elbows in Vamoose!

WILL: Any problem with me taking over one of those nighttime janitorial slots?

[FIGGINS sighs and shakes his head.]

WILL: I'll work at half salary.

[FIGGINS looks up and smiles.]

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY

[QUINN and a group of other Cheerios are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. RACHEL is sitting alone opposite them. QUINN strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.]

QUINN: The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week- Rachel What's-her-name.

RACHEL: Where are all the boys?

QUINN: Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith.

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY

[A group of football players and other boys are spread around the room. FINN is sitting on a desk, tossing a football into the air.]

FINN: (voice-over) I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. –

_"__Shit shit shit" Finn muttered. Quinn hit him round the back of the head_

Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues.

JACOB: I think I'm gonna kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day- Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation- Not be able to do anything about it?

PUCK: Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries.

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.

[SANTANA twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.]

QUINN: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls.

ALL: It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Oh!

[The Cheerios begin to dance in place.]

CHEERIO: Back it up like a dump truck, baby!

[RACHEL appears annoyed by their behavior.]

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY, CONT.

JOCK: (To FINN) So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway?

FINN: We grind, make out.

JACOB: But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind- Cinco de Mayo.

FINN: (chuckling) It's not a problem for me, man.

[FINN and PUCK high five.]

FINN: (voice-over) Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit.

_"__To much info." Said Tina. _

CUT TO:

INT./EXT. CAR – DAY

[FINN is driving with his mother, CAROLE, in the passenger seat.]

CAROLE: Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?

FINN: Driving's fun.

CAROLE: Yeah.

[The car slams into a mailman, whose body rolls onto the hood of the car and into the windshield.]

CAROLE: (screams) Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?

CUT TO:

INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.

[All Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. They are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.]

QUINN: Let's pair up for the "Immaculate Affection." Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.

[QUINN steps over to FINN, smiling and placing the balloon between their pelvises. RACHEL glances at FINN and reluctantly moves closer to JACOB, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.]

JACOB: You enchant me.

PUCK: Yeah!

[PUCK grinds into the balloon between him and SANTANA, who struggles to pull away.]

SANTANA: Stop it!

PUCK: Take it. Ah, yeah!

[The balloon between FINN and QUINN pops.]

QUINN: Finn!

FINN: It must have hit my zipper.

[RACHEL breaks away from JACOB and addresses the room.]

RACHEL: You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for.

QUINN: Don't you dare mention the "C" word.

_"__That is what most people think when people say Celibacy." Said Nick _

_"__Come here." Said Santana "I have adopted two gays."_

_Nick when and said between Quinn and Santana as Jeff was on the other side of Santana._

_"__you can't just adopt gays Santana." Said kurt._

_"__Mercedes adopted you and Tina is gonna adopt Blaine." Santana said. "she's been waiting to adopt one since Mercedes adopted you."_

_Blaine looked slightly akward _

RACHEL: You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do.

JACOB: I- Is that accurate?

CUT TO:

INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT

[WILL, dressed in his janitor uniform, is scraping gum from the bottom of a desk. EMMA enters.]

EMMA: Will?

[WILL turns in surprise and bumps his head against the desk.]

WILL: Aaah! Emma- What are you doing here so late?

EMMA: I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um- Are you a janitor?

WILL: A jan- no.

EMMA: Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says "Will."

WILL: Um, Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and- (sighs) I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?

EMMA: Yeah. Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me.

WILL: Thank you.

EMMA: Do you, um- Do you want a hand?

WILL: Oh- No. I-I'm good, really.

EMMA: Really? Because I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos.

FLASHFORWARD TO:

INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT, CONT.

[EMMA is scrubbing the pencil sharpener while WILL dusts a hanging solar system.]

EMMA: I really admire you working so hard for something you want.

WILL: Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem. How bout I take a stab at one of yours?

EMMA: Oh, no, I don't- I don't have a problem.

WILL: You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour.

EMMA: Well, I mean, I have- I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a problem.

[WILL sits down on a desk and smiles at EMMA knowingly.]

EMMA: Okay. When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm.

WILL: Really?

EMMA: Yeah. And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yoghurt tasting my- my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon.

WILL: What?

EMMA: And, um, ever since then, I've just- I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh- the smell.

WILL: Have you thought about- I don't know- maybe seeing someone about that?

EMMA: Oh, no. It's completely manageable. You know, I just- I take lots of showers and I, um- You know, I don't eat dairy. So it's-

WILL: I want to try a little experiment.

[WILL gets up and walks over to the chalkboard, collecting some chalk dust from the ledge with the tip of his finger.]

EMMA: Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with- with that.

[WILL touches his finger to EMMA'S nose, leaving behind a smudge of dust. They stare into each others eyes. After a moment, WILL removes the dust with the back of his forearm.]

WILL: There. Ten seconds.

EMMA: New record. It's late. I should, um- I should be, um, going.

[EMMA walks past him towards the door. KEN watches the exchange through the window of the classroom.]

CUT TO:

INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY

[RACHEL stands before the glee club, who are gathered in the stands. She taps her gavel to a sound board.]

RACHEL: I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session.

ARTIE: But Mr. Schuester isn't here.

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs.

MERCEDES: Ugh! I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón.

FINN: Let her talk.

[FINN nods at RACHEL in encouragement.]

RACHEL: I have another idea for the assembly.

ARTIE: Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?

RACHEL: They're not gonna kill us. Because we're gonna give them what they want.

KURT: Blood?

_"__I didn't need to know your kinks, Lady Lips. But im sure Hobbit gay is willing." Said Sanatana as Blanie and Kurt blushed._

RACHEL: Better. Sex.

CUT TO:

INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY

[The entire student body is sitting in the stands. FIGGINS is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. WILL is sitting in a chair to his side.]

FIGGINS: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester.

EMMA: (clapping) Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!

[WILL steps up to the microphone.]

WILL: Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm gonna let some friends of mine show you instead.

[WILL sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of "Push It" by Salt 'n' Pepa. Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. WILL, SUE, and QUINN are horrified, but FIGGINS and EMMA appear to be enjoying themselves. The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence, JACOB springs up out of his seat.]

GIRLS: get up on this (X2)

Baby, baby, b-baby, baby

Ooh, baby, baby

b-baby, baby

get up on this

hey

get up on this

push it

RACHEL: Sa-Sa-Sa-Salt-N-Pepa's here

ARTIE: now, wait a minute, y'all

Now, this dance ain't for everybody

Only the sexy people (chuckles)

So all you fly mothers

Get on out there and dance

Dance, I said! Holla

RACHEL: Sa-Salt-N-Pepa's here

And we're in effect want you to push it, babe

Coolin' by day then at night workin' up a sweat

Come on, girls let's go show the guys that we know

How to become number one in a hot party show

Now push it

GLEE CLUB: push it

Push it good

Ah, push it

Push it real good

Ah push it

Push it good

Ah, push it

Pu-push it real good

Ah, push it

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

Get up on this

Hey

Get up on this

FINN: Yo, baby pop, yeah, you come here, give me a kiss

Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed

Can you here the music pumpin' hard

Like I wish you would

Now push it

GLEE CLUB: Ah, push it

Push it good

Ah, push it

Push it real good

Ah, push it

Push it good

Ah, push it

Pu-push it real good

Ah, push it

Get up on this

Ah, push it

Get up on this

Holla!

Get up on this

Ah, push it

Hey

Push it

_Blaine made a combination of a groan and a cough._

_"__I think that performance broke Blaine," said Nick. And Blaine turn a darker shade of red._

_"__Are you okay Blaine" Kurt asked_

_"__I think that gay harry potter got his first boner associated with Kurt." Said Santana _

_"__Oh that isn't his first." said Nick._

_"__Shut up!" said Blaine getting pissed as he didn't want his crush on Kurt to be known._

JACOB: Yes!

[The students erupt into cheers, with the exception of the Cheerios.]

CUT TO:

INT. FIGGINS' OFFICE – DAY

[WILL and SUE are sitting before FIGGINS' desk. No one speaks.]

SUE: Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching, and that includes an elementary school production of _Hair._

FIGGINS: We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.

WILL: I- I really don't know what to say.

SUE: Well, let me help you out then. My first thought was that your students should be put into foster care. But you're the one that should be punished. I demand your resignation from this school as well as the disbanding of Glee Club.

FIGGINS: Now, hold on, Sue. The issue is content. Those kids are talented. And I have not seen the student body this excited since Tiffany performed at the North Hills Mall. I took the liberty of calling my pastor to provide a list of family-friendly songs that reflect our community's values. Your kids can only perform these preapproved musical selections.

[FIGGINS hands WILL the list.]

WILL: But, all of these songs have either "Jesus" or "balloons" in the title.

FIGGINS: But there are also songs about the circus. This egg is sunny-side up, Will. You need new outfits. I got several flashes of panty from your group today, and I'm not talking about the girls. So, Sue, I'm cutting your dry-cleaning budget to pay for new costumes for the Glee Club.

SUE: This will not stand.

FIGGINS: Oh, Sue. The dry-cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

[RACHEL is standing just outside of FIGGINS' office, her head resting dejectedly against the wall. She turns as SUE, making an "I'm watching you" gesture, passes by. WILL enters.]

RACHEL: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.

WILL: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.

RACHEL: What's a "_Luftballon_"?

WILL: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club and I understand why you did what you did, but I don't like the way you did it.

[WILL exits, leaving behind a saddened RACHEL.]

CUT TO:

INT. STAFF ROOM – DAY

[EMMA is eating her lunch at a table by herself, being careful to clean her grapes before popping them into her mouth. KEN drops a pair of tickets on the table in front of her.]

KEN: They're for Tulip-A-Looza. It's a tulip festival down at the Columbus Convention Center. It's supposed to smell pretty nice.

EMMA: That's really sweet of you, Ken, but I have…a-asthma.

KEN: What are you doing? Chasing a married guy. I saw you playing house with him after hours, Emma. Look. I don't know a lot about relationships. Most of mine are short and flame out once the sex goes, but I do know you never want to be the rebounder. I'm a good man, Emma. I'll treat you right. I'll put up with all your crazy. They can't fire me 'cause I'm a minority, so I'll always be able to provide for you. You could do a lot worse and in this town, you're not gonna do much better. Okay, I'm done talking now.

_"__Awkward." Muttered a few warblers._

[KEN exits.]

CUT TO:

INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

[FINN and RACHEL are on stage. RACHEL sits at the piano, tapping a high note.]

RACHEL: Try it.

FINN: (mimicking the note) La.

RACHEL: Good.

FINN: That was good.

RACHEL: Okay, one more up.

FINN: La.

RACHEL: That was really good.

FINN: Is that okay?

RACHEL: Yeah, it's like the holy grail for a baritenor, so it's a good note. All right, I'll start at the bottom, and then we'll go up higher.

FINN: Can we take a break? Singing kind of makes me a little hungry.

RACHEL: Yeah, yeah, sure. Lucky I prepared for that.

[RACHEL gestures toward elaborate picnic area set up on the floor of the stage.]

FINN: Wow. I was wondering what that was all about.

RACHEL: Want to sit?

FINN: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

RACHEL: I was wondering why you asked me to help you with your singing. You kicked butt at the assembly.

FINN: Well, this is my only chance to be, you know, good like you.

RACHEL: You think I'm good?

FINN: Well, when I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. You talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there.-

_Cue multiple snorts._

But then I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.

[FINN places his hand left hand over his chest. RACHEL moves his hand to the opposite side.]

RACHEL: Your heart's on the other side of your chest.

FINN: Oh. It's beating really hard. You're cool, Rachel.

RACHEL: Do you want a drink?

FINN: Yeah.

[RACHEL reaches for a thermos and prepares their drinks.]

RACHEL: Virgin Cosmos.

FINN: Cool. That stuff you said at the Celibacy Club- That was really cool. (accepting a cup from RACHEL) Thanks.

RACHEL: Well, cheers.

FINN: Cheers. Cups are like the airplane cups. Oh, you got a little Cosmo right-

[FINN reaches out and wipes his thumb slowly across RACHEL'S upper lip.]

RACHEL: You know, you can kiss me if you want to.

FINN: I want to.

[RACHEL lays down onto the pillows as FINN moves over her. Their lips meet briefly, at first. They kiss once more until FINN pulls away, panicking. He imagines the mailman crashing into the windshield of his car. FINN awkwardly tears himself away from RACHEL and stands up.]

RACHEL: What?

RACHEL: Did I do something wrong?

FINN: No, no. Um, I just gotta go. Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?

[FINN exits, and RACHEL places her head in her hands.]

CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE – DAY

[TERRI is lying in an examination chair. The doctor squirts gel onto TERRI'S stomach and begins the ultrasound.]

TERRI: I don't want my baby to grow an extra arm just because I live in squalor and I'm so stressed. So, I want you to run any and all tests you have.

DOCTOR: Trust me. You're clear.

[DOCTOR sets the ultrasound equipment aside and sits down.]

TERRI: Are you sure?

DOCTOR: Positive.

TERRI: Is it a boy or a girl?

DOCTOR: Um- Don't quite know how to put this. There's no baby.

TERRI: (frantically) Did it fall out?

DOCTOR: (laughs) Uh, no. Uh, you're not pregnant.

TERRI: But I've gained ten pounds.

DOCTOR: It's probably from eating. I can see a chicken wing in there that you must have swallowed whole. You're having what's called a hysterical pregnancy. You want a baby so badly that your body mimics the symptoms. If you're meant to get pregnant, it'll happen.

CUT TO:

INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY

[WILL is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. QUINN, SANTANA, AND BRITTANY stand before him.]

WILL: I have to say, I'm really surprised you guys are trying out.

QUINN: I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support him?

WILL: Well, let's see what you've got.

[The three Cheerios perform "I Say A Little Prayer" by Dionna Warwick. QUINN sings lead, and much of the choreography features her at the center of the formation. WILL seems impressed.]

UN-HOLY TRINETY: Say a little prayer for you

QUINN: The moment I wake up

Before I put on my make up

SANTANA & BRITTANY: Make up

QUINN: I say a little

SANTANA & BRITTANY: Prayer for you

QUINN: While coming my hair now

And wonder what dress to wear now

SANTANA & BRITTANY: Wear now

QUINN: I say a little

SANTANA & BRITTANY: Prayer for you

UN-HOLY TRINITY: Forever, forever

You'll stay in my heart

And I will love you

Forever and ever

We never will part

Oh, how I love you

Together, together

That's how it must be

To live without you would only bring heartbreak

For me

_"__You three are really good together it's a shame that doesn't give you guys songs." Said Kurt and Wes_

_"__I know but he loves Frankenteen and Yentil." Said Santana _

CUT TO:

INT. SUE'S OFFICE – DAY

[QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are sitting in front of SUE'S desk.]

SUE: Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?

QUINN: I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes. Please don't kick us off the Cheerios.

SUE: [snaps fingers] Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.

[BRITTANY and SANTANA high five behind QUINN.]

QUINN: And I'm gonna get my boyfriend back.

SUE: I don't care so much about that.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY – DAY

[EMMA is scrubbing the mouthpiece of a drinking fountain with a toothbrush. WILL approaches her, and small packet in his hand.]

WILL: Hey, Emma. Guess what. I found these new disinfecting bleach wipes. What do you say? Boy's bathroom in the science wing? 9:00?

EMMA: Will, what are we doing? I mean, you're having a baby. Um, and anyway, uh- I have a date.

WILL: Oh, that's great.

EMMA: Yeah.

WILL: Yeah. With who?

EMMA: I'm gonna go to Tulip-A-Looza. With Ken.

[EMMA nods to WILL before stepping around him and walking down the hall.]

CUT TO:

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT – NIGHT

[WILL steps through the door in his janitor uniform. TERRI is standing by the dining room table with a lighter in her hand. She lights a candle on the table.]

TERRI: There's my man. Bringing home the bacon.

WILL: You- You made dinner. I thought you'd be asleep.

TERRI: Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, so I made you chicken pot pie- from scratch.

[The sit down.]

WILL: Terri, that's so thoughtful. I- Yeah, you know, I've been working so had lately, some- sometimes I forget what I'm doing it for. Family's what's important to me. You and the little guy or gal on the way. I hope you know that.

TERRI: Yeah.

WILL: I'm sorry. What was it you wanted to talk about?

TERRI: I went to the baby doctor today.

WILL: And?

[WILL looks at her with anticipation. TERRI is uncomfortable.]

TERRI: And…it's a boy.

[WILL gets out of his seat and hugs TERRI.]

WILL: Oh, my God. Terri, that's amazing.

TERRI: Yeah.

WILL: Oh, my God. Oh!

TERRI: Uh, I want you to give up being a janitor.

WILL: What?

TERRI: Yeah. We don't need a new house. We'll turn my craft room into a nursery. It's a compromise that I want to make.

WILL: Really?

TERRI: Yeah. You know, the only project I want to work on now is us.

[WILL kisses TERRI.]

WILL: I love you so much.

CUT TO:

INT. CHOIR ROOM – DAY

[RACHEL and WILL are standing in the choir room alone. RACHEL looks at him despondently.]

RACHEL: You're giving Quinn Fabray the solo? That's my solo.

WILL: You made this happen, Rachel. You were the one who wanted to sell sex at the assembly. Quinn's audition song was on Figgin's approved list and, frankly, she did a heck of a job singing it.

RACHEL: You're punishing me.

WILL: Contrary to your beliefs, it's not all about you. Or, I've realized, about me. Look, I screwed up too. I'm as responsible for what you did at the assembly as you are. I should never have pushed disco so hard. When we did it back in '93, the disco revival was in its heyday. It was cool. We had fun. And that- That is what Glee is supposed to be about. If we're gonna succeed, we both need to change our mindsets. You're not always gonna be the star. But I promise to do my best to make sure you're always having fun. This is a good thing, Rachel. We're on our way.

[WILL gathers his things and walks to the door.]

RACHEL: Can I use the auditorium later to practice? Our neighbors are filing a lawsuit.

WILL: Sure.

[WILL exits.]

CUT TO:

INT. AUDITORIUM – DAY

RACHEL: you look so dumb right now

Standing outside my house

Tryin' to apologize

You're so ugly when you cry

Please, just cut it out

And don't tell me you're sorry

'cause you're not

Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show

Really had me goin'

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: Now it's time to go

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: Curtin's finally closin'

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: That was quite a show

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: Very entertaining

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: But it's over now

TINA & MERCEDES: But it's over now

RACHEL: Go on and take a bow

Oh, and the

Award for

The best liar

Goes to you

For makin' me believe

That you could be faithful to me

Lets hear your speech

[vocalizing]

TINA & MERCEDES: You put on quite a show

You really had me goin'

RACHEL: Now it's time to go

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: Curtain's finally closin'

That was quite a show

TINA & MERCEDES: [vocalizing]

RACHEL: Very entertaining

But it's over now

TINA & MERCEDES: But it's over now

RACHEL: Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

[RACHEL sings "Take A Bow" by Rihanna. MERCEDES and TINA stand behind her, singing backup. RACHEL is shown singing into her hairbrush in her room. The scene changes to RACHEL watching QUINN and FINN laugh together in the hallway. These three locations cycle throughout the song.

CUT TO BLACK

END

_"__Drama Queen Much?" said Nick. Santana high 5-ed him._

_"__So that is the end of the episode." Said Quinn _

_"__Am I the only one hungry?" asked Finn_

_"__I think everyone is." Said Kurt "why don't we order take-away?"_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This is short and a pathetic excuses for a chapter.**

"The next one is Acafellas." Said Quinn "do we really wanna see Rachel have more hisses and 's mid-life crises?"

"GaGa no." said Kurt as he moved Brittany in to a more conferrable position

"What was Acafellas?" asked Blaine

"Basically and 3 other grown men singing A Capella hip hop songs in his living room." Said Kurt with a look of disgusted on hiss face.

"What's wrong with a capella hip hop songs? The Warblers are a capella," said Blaine jumping to a Capella's aid.

"Nothing is wrong with a capella the only thing wrong with Acafellas was that it was and a bunch of middle aged men singing _hip hop _in his _Living room." _Said Kurt.

"Hey, me and puck were in Acafellas." Said Finn.

"Dude you did not just tell them that." Said Puck looking like he was planning Finn's death.

"After that image is in my head, lets watch the next episode of 'Glee' " said Quinn sorting out the DVD.

"The next episode is Preggers." She said with her face draining with colour.

**A/N:**

**I'm sorry that they are not watching this episode but I absolutely hate it with a passion, also one of my friends is like 'yeah lets watch that one' and I'm like ' but you've watch that one so many times'**

**Anyway I hope you liked my portrayal of the characters, till the next chapter, Toddles.**


	5. Chapter 5

10/29/2014

**A/N: this is one of my favorite episodes also I thought that I should add some sexual innuendos.**

INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.

[KURT selects the song "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyoncé on his iPod. He, BRITTANY, and TINA perform the song in leotards. Suddenly a hand pushes a button and stops the music. It is KURT's father, BURT HUMMEL. He gazes disapprovingly at what is taking place before him.]

_Blaine is slightly squirming as he watches Kurt dance._

"_You okay?" Kurt seeing Blaine look a little odd_

"_Honestly lady? You asked him if he's as he's watching you dance. That curly haired hobbit is trying not to get a hobbit Jr excited, but failing." Said Santana._

"_Again" coughed Puck_

_Kurt's eyes when wide and Blaine looked a little sheepish._

"_How did you get those two to the dance with you?" asked Finn_

"_It was actually Britt's idea Quinn and Santana didn't want to do the dance and she over heard me and Tina talking about the dance and convinced us to do the dance with her."_

KURT: Dad! You're home early.

BURT: Deadliest Catch is on. What are you wearing?

KURT: It's a unitard. Guys wear them to, uh, work out nowadays. Do sports. They wick sweat from the body.

[BURT puts a finger in KURT's unitard, letting it snap back into place. He nods.]

TINA: F-f-f-football!

KURT: Yeah, all the guys in football wear them. They're jock chic.

"_Really?" asked Quinn "your dad believed you?"_

"_Probably not but oh well." Said Kurt_

BRITTANY: Totally. Kurt's on the football team now.

"_Kurt the look on you face eyes went really wide and it's funny." Said Brittany._

He's the kicker – that's the smallest guy on the field, right?

KURT: Yeah. Brit and Tina were just helping me with some conditioning work.

BURT: Hmm. Really. You know, I played in JC before I busted up my knee, popping wheelies on my third bike.

KURT: Cool. I guess we'll have something to talk about, then.

[KURT chuckles.]

BURT: So one of you two his girlfriend?

[KURT is taken aback by the question, but he puts his hand on TINA's back.]

KURT: But I'm not ready to be exclusive just yet.

"_Tina I'm still so sorry about using you like that." Kurt said._

"_How Many times do we have to go through this, it doesn't matter. And it's okay."_

BURT: Alright, just keep the music down. I can't hear myself think up there.

[BURT starts to walk back upstairs, but stops to ask KURT something.]

BURT: And hey, Kurt. Be sure to get me a ticket to your first game.

[KURT nods feverishly. His grin disappears once he realizes the mess he is in.]

GLEE OPENING TITLE

CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.

[TERRI is doing deep breathing exercises. WILL is helping her and encouraging her. At first it appears that TERRI is having her baby.]

WILL: You're doing great, baby. Just keep breathing.

[TERRI's sister KENDRA then interrupts the scene.]

KENDRA: No, no, no! Giving birth is not like how it is in the movies. It is bloody and bestial and you get poop all over your cowboy boots.

WILL: Well, I'm just trying to be supportive.

KENDRA: Oh, Will, this isn't about you.

WILL: I'm sorry, Kendra, when was I making it about me?

KENDRA: Ugh. You have to be liked, Will. You're nice and supportive and you avoid conflict.

"_That is true." Muttered a few of the New Directions._

[WILL looks to TERRI to see if what KENDRA is saying is true. TERRI nods.]

KENDRA: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months! She doesn't need nice. She needs dolomites.

WILL: I can be tough.

KENDRA: Of course you can, sweetie.

[KENDRA gets off the couch and down to where TERRI and WILL are, on the floor.]

KENDRA: Okay, why don't you come on down here? I'm going to show you how to rub the gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.

[TERRI looks panicked.]

WILL: Okay.

TERRI: No, no, wait!

[TERRI sits up quickly.]

KENDRA: Oh, no, no, no! You'll like it. Phil still does it to me. Feels great.

TERRI: I don't want him touching my stomach. I mean, maybe he would bruise the baby!

KENDRA: Oh.

TERRI: Yeah. [then, to WILL] Honey? Would you get me a BLT?

WILL: S-sure. I – I'm – it's gonna take a few minutes, though.

TERRI: That's okay.

[WILL kisses TERRI's forehead and gets up to leave.]

WILL: Alright. Be right back.

KENDRA: Make me one too, but hold the tomato.

KENDRA: And the lettuce.

TERRI: I can't do this!

KENDRA: Oh, don't worry about it! You're gonna have an epidural. I'm just making it sound worse than it is to make him feel guilty, and then you have him by the balls for the rest of your life.

TERRI: Kendra, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell anybody? Not even Phil?

KENDRA: Oh, my God. Is the baby black?

TERRI: No!

[TERRI lifts her shirt up carefully, revealing the pad that is making her appear pregnant. KENDRA gasps in disbelief.]

TERRI: The doctor said it's a hysterical pregnancy! I can't tell Will. I can't! He already has one foot out the door. This baby's the only reason he's still here!

KENDRA: What do you think he's gonna do when he finds out you lied?

TERRI: Oh, God, I don't know! I've got to tell him the truth. I've got to tell him and I've got to deal with the consequences!

[TERRI gets up to leave and presumably tell WILL of her hysterical pregnancy. KENDRA stops her.]

KENDRA: Okay, are you insane?

TERRI: What?!

KENDRA: Dishonesty is food to a marriage. It will die without it!

TERRI: I guess.

KENDRA: Stop being so emotional.

TERRI: Okay.

KENDRA: The solution is clear. We're gonna have to get you a baby.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS TEACHERS' LOUNGE.

[WILL walks in with a bagged lunch. Most of the tables are already occupied by teachers, and he is at a loss as to where to sit. He walks to the table occupied by EMMA and KEN and sets his lunch down.]

WILL: Hey, guys. I hope I'm not intruding.

EMMA: No, not at all. [then, to both KEN and WILL] Oh, um, so get this. You know how I'm kind of like a local news junkie, right?

WILL: Isn't that kind of depressing?

EMMA: Oh, no, it's kind of like a…kind of like a horror film, you know? It's drug recalls and poisoned toys – Africanized bees, that was terrible.

KEN: That's because disasters freak you out, yet fascinate you at the same time, sweetie. So you like the local news because it's a way you can experience them from the safety of your condo.

EMMA: A-anyway, yeah, um. They, they just finished this story on this zoo mauling, you know, and um, you'll never guess who came on next.

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. FLASHBACK.

[ROD REMINGTON and ANDREA CARMICHAEL, two news anchors, are reporting the news.]

ROD: Well, let's see what's going on now with local champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester in a brand new segment we call "Sue's Corner."

ANDREA: Take it away, Sue!

[The camera shifts to SUE's desk at the news room. SUE'S CORNER begins.]

SUE: Thanks Rod, Andrea. You know, caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who's safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they'll tell you one thing. Caning works! And I think it's about time we did a little more of it right here. And to all those nay-sayers out there, who say, "That's illegal! You can't strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks!" Well, to them, I say, "Yes. We. Cane." And that's how Sue sees it!

[During the last line, SUE lifts her right hand up to make the letter "C."]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS TEACHERS' LOUNGE. CONT.

WILL: They gave her a segment on the local news?

EMMA: Mmhmm.

WILL: Why?

[SUE walks into the teachers' lounge with a box of donuts at her side.]

SUE: Well, because being a local celebrity who's been written up twice on the sports page of USA Today has its perks, William. [then, to KEN, pointing at the chair directly in front of her] Hey, pal, you want to pull that chair out for me? My hands are still sore from signing autographs down at the Donut Hole this morning.

[KEN, after hesitating, pulls out the chair for SUE and returns to his seat. SUE sets the box of donuts down on the table.]

SUE: Brought you some holes I couldn't finish! Oh, and uh, FYI, the overnights were through the roof. You don't know what that means, do you? – "Overnights." Well, that's lingo for overnight ratings, which shows us leading in eighteen to forty-nine year olds, making WOHN Western Ohio's number one local newscast.

EMMA: Wow.

SUE: "Wow" is the word, Alma! You know, I wasn't always in the spotlight, but I didn't want to end up stuck at a lousy high school, wrestling with mental illness, or forty, and single, coaching the worst football team in the history of our state, or having to go to the salon every week to have my hair permed. I didn't want to have to do that to myself. So, I sent out my resume and I am so happy to tell you that I am busting out of my box! Ah, I'd love to stay and chat but I got a satellite interview. That's lingo, again, for an interview… via satellite.

[SUE turns and walks out of the teachers' lounge, leaving WILL, EMMA, and KEN speechless.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.

[WILL is passing out sheet music to the Glee Club, namely RACHEL, FINN, KURT, MERCEDES, TINA, ARTIE, QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY. After inspecting the sheet music for a minute, RACHEL finds a problem.]

RACHEL: Excuse me, this isn't the right key.

WILL: No. It's actually the right key.

RACHEL: No, no, this is the alto part.

"_that outfit is really nice Kurt." Said Blaine _

"_Thanks," said Kurt blushing slightly at the complement._

WILL: Yep. Tina's doing the solo.

RACHEL: I'm sorry, there must be some sort of mix up. I thought I made it very clear that anything from "West Side Story" goes to me. Maria is my part! Natalie Wood was a Jew, you know. I've had a very deep, personal connection to this role since the age of one.

WILL: Well, I'm trying to shake things up a bit. Get us out of our boxes.

RACHEL: You're trying to punish me.

WILL: I think you're being irrational.

RACHEL: I think you're being unfair!

"_And I think you are being a drama queen." Said Jeff in a dramatic fashion._

WILL: I think you're being unfair to Tina, who might have been happy about getting her first solo.

RACHEL: Tina knows how much I respect her and I think she would agree with me that she's not ready for such an iconic role as Maria.

[MERCEDES interjects after looking over the sheet music.]

MERCEDES: Wait… I'm a Jet?

[RACHEL emotionally storms out of the room.]

ARTIE: The more times she storms out of rehearsal, the less impact it has.

WILL: Congratulations, Tina. This is going well.

[MERCEDES and ARTIE congregate TINA for getting the solo.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM. LATER THAT DAY.

[All of the club members have left except for FINN and KURT who are on their way out.]

KURT: Finn? I needed to ask you something.

FINN: Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I'm flattered! I know how important dances are to teen gays.

KURT: I'm not gay.

"_Denial." Said Santana_

"_No trying to save myself."_

FINN: Oh.

KURT: I just… I needed a favor.

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD.

[The football team is practicing and doing drills under the supervision of KEN. Several of the team members fall down during a running drill.]

KEN: This is not that difficult, gentlemen, let's go.

[The camera pans to FINN and KURT, who are standing on the field. FINN is dressed in his football jersey and is stretching before practice. KURT is dressed in a red sweatshirt and has a blue headband in his hair. KURT is holding a football helmet.]

"_Trying to steal the Starkid look?" Blaine asked jokingly_

"_Starkid?" Kurt asked _

"_You know AVPM, AVPS." Asked Blaine " You know Harry Potter Parody Musicals"_

"_Blaine the only reason we know is that you are a massive geek." Said Nick._

FINN: Just relax, okay? Remember what I told you. Keep your eye on the ball…don't try to aim it. Okay, put your helmet on.

KURT: [adamantly] It'll mess up my hair.

FINN: Put your…put your helmet on, okay?

[FINN helps KURT put the football helmet on, much to KURT's distaste.]

FINN: That's good. Red's your color.

"_Gay moment." Said Santana. Hi-5 ing Puck._

KURT: Thank you for helping me with this, Finn. You're really cool.

FINN: Well, I figure, the more crossover between Glee and football, the easier my life's gonna be.

[KURT begins to walk away.]

FINN: Woah. Woah, woah, where are you going?

KURT: To get my music ready.

FINN: Wh-what? Are you nuts? You can't use that!

KURT: But we did when we were rehearsing.

FINN: Practicing. And no one was around! Look, do you know how much interference I had to run with these guys just to get you this try-out? If you do it your way, they're gonna kill you!

KURT: My body is like a rum chocolate soufflé. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise. If I'm doing this, I'm doing it my way.

"_Tottaly Gay Moment" Said Puck_

[KURT walks away to get his music ready. PUCK approaches FINN.]

PUCK: So are you two an item now, or…? He doesn't belong here!

"_Furt Forever." Said Santana and Puck together as they bro-fisted _

FINN: You joined Acafellas, what's the difference?

PUCK: I'm a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it's cool.

[KEN blows his whistle.]

KEN: Everybody take a knee.

[The team surrounds KEN and waits for him to speak.]

KEN: Six games. Our kicker, Mr. Langenthaal, is zero for twelve in field goal attempts. As most of you statistically minded people know, THAT SUCKS! So Mr. Langenthaal will thusly be in charge of hydration services. The next player that can get a football between those uprights will get his job.

[KURT makes his way through the crowd of football players.]

KURT: Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

"_You don't say it like that, silly." Said Brittany "Or they'll laugh."_

[Several football players laugh, and KURT looks at them in disgust. FINN nods his head. KURT makes his way to the center of the field with a stereo CD player, and FINN walks by his side with a football. FINN puts the football down and holds it for KURT. KURT turns the stereo on and "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" plays. KURT dances to the music. KURT kicks the football and it goes all the way through the uprights at a high velocity. KURT takes off his helmet as KEN rushes up to him.]

"_There, there Kurtie. They are only jealous that their wardrobe isn't as fabulous as yours." Said Brittany._

"_Thanks, Britt," said Kurt trying not to laugh. _

KURT: That was good, right?

FINN: Aha, yeah.

KURT: That was good?

FINN: Yeah.

KEN: Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?

KURT: Mm, sounds like fun.

_Blaine's eyes widen as he got some un-dapper thoughts about Kurt._

Can I have my music?

KEN: If you kick like that, you can wear a tutu, for all I care! [then, to the rest of the team] Gentlemen! We have found ourselves a kicker!

[KURT waves to the football team as PUCK looks at him in disgust.]

CUT TO: INT. SUE'S OFFICE.

[WOHN news station owner MR. MCCLUNG knocks on the door and then walks into SUE's office. SUE is sitting down at the desk, autographing pictures of herself.]

MCCLUNG: More mail for you, Sue! But I think, I think there might be some, some hate mail mixed in for your editorial on littering.

SUE: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yellow. Not everyone's gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. It's why I pay taxes. It keeps garbagemen earning a living, so they can afford tacos for their family.

MCCLUNG: Fantastic. But I'm…concerned…about your future at WOHN. You see, my daughter goes to your school and she says that a lot of the top cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir. You know, it makes me wonder, if you're losing all that talent, how you can expect to win Nationals. See, your segment's all about being a champion, Sue, a winner. So… We need you to win Nationals. Okay! Uh, thanks a bunch. Great work.

CUT TO: INT. QUINN'S LOCKER / WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is at her locker, visibly distraught with tears running down her face. FINN is approaching and calling her name, but she ignores him and walks down the hallway.]

FINN: Quinn! Quinn. Hey, what's with the silent treatment? Whatever I did, I'm sorry.

[QUINN stops at a corridor and FINN catches up with her.]

QUINN: I'm pregnant.

[FINN is now lost in his own mind, and find it difficults to focus on what QUINN is saying.]

QUINN: I wasn't sure, and I really didn't want to go by myself, and I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner!

FINN: Mine?

QUINN: Yes, you. Who else's would it be?

FINN: But we…we never…

QUINN: Last month. Hot tub.

CUT TO: EXT. FABRAY HOT TUB. FLASHBACK.

[FINN and QUINN are both in the hot tub in their bathing suits, making out. FINN senses that he is about to ejaculate from the arousal.]

FINN: Oh no. Oh no. Oh…

QUINN: Think of the mail. Think of the mail! Think of the –

CUT TO: EXT. FINN'S CAR. FLASHBACK.

[FINN hits a mailman with his car on his first time driving.]

CAROLE: You killed him! What are you going to do?!

CUT TO: EXT. FABRAY HOT TUB. FLASHBACK.

[FINN cannot help it. He ejaculates.]

FINN: Oh…

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY. CONT.

FINN: But we were wearing our swimsuits!

QUINN: Ask Jeeves said a hot tub is the perfect temperature for sperm. It, it helps it swim faster.

FINN: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are – are you gonna get a…?

QUINN: [crying] No. I really thought I had a shot at getting out of here! No.

[QUINN cries on FINN's shoulder. He doesn't know what to say or what to do.]

CUT TO: INT. RYERSON HOUSE.

[The camera is fixated on SANDY RYERSON's doll collection. SANDY is wearing a Japanese kimono and is making tea to drink. He picks up a doll to inspect. SUE is standing next to SANDY, obviously disturbed.]

SANDY: I've been collecting since 1961.

SUE: Now, isn't this just lovely and normal?

SANDY: [referring to his doll collection] They're my everything. [then, referring to the whistling kettle] Tea time!

[SANDY chuckles, and then imitates the whistling kettle. He goes to get the tea.]

SUE: Right.

SANDY: So, to what do I owe the honor of your presence?

SUE: Oh, I just thought I'd stop by and say hello, buddy. Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies, limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

[Coming back with his tea, SANDY motions towards the couch.]

SANDY: Please, have a seat on the Casting Couch.

[SUE takes a seat. SANDY pours them tea and sits adjacent to her.]

SANDY: Oh, it is so wonderful to finally have some Sandy time. I have my bridge game on Fridays. Saturdays I am fully committed at the local cat rescue.

SUE: Sandy. Let's cut the crap.

[SANDY begins to cry.]

SANDY: I'm living in a cocoon of horror! Yesterday, I ate nine cans of Aerosol whipped cream! No! Oh!

"_Why would you do that?" Said Kurt in disgust. _

SUE: Sandy, Sandy. We have similar problems. You need to be back in the spotlight! I wanna offer you the school's Arts Administrator position.

[SANDY sits up, interested in SUE's offer.]

SUE: You will have control of all the arts programs. Music, art, drama – wait for it – [with some disgust in her voice] Glee Club.

SANDY: It's impossible. Figgins will never allow it!

SUE: Oh, don't you worry about Figgins.

CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS' OFFICE. FLASHBACK.

FIGGINS: I'm never letting Sandy Ryerson back in this school.

[SUE comes around to FIGGINS' computer and pulls up a website.]

SUE: Take a look at this.

[A commercial for Mumbai Air starring FIGGINS plays on the computer. On the commercial, FIGGINS is stretching his legs his to prevent blood clots.]

FIGGINS: [on the commercial] Vascular embolisms are a serious hazard on long distance flights. So make sure to stretch your legs every hour to keep blood from clotting.

[On the commercial, FIGGINS puts on an anti-embolism stocking.]

FIGGINS: [on the commercial] For additional protection, anti-embolism stockings can be purchased from your flight attendants.

[FIGGINS then mutters something in Indian, and the commercial ends.]

SUE: Well, I would hate to think of this video circulating around the school. Better yet, YouTube.

CUT TO: INT. RYERSON HOUSE. CONT.

SANDY: Our first order of business is Glee Club.

SUE: Oh! I couldn't agree with you more. William is running it into the ground.

SUE: And there's one lynchpin holding that group together.

SUE: Rachel Berry. How do we steal her away?

SUE: Hold on to your Easter bonnet, Sandy. I'm gonna fire four words at you. Liza. Minnelli. Celine. Dion.

SANDY: Oh… Yeah. I am yours.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[RACHEL approaches a bulletin board in the hallway, interested in a flyer that she sees. It reads "Be a LEAD in our High School Musical! Audition for CABARET! Must audition with Celine Dion song of your choice." She signs her name on the sign-up sheet and puts a gold star sticker next to her name.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS AUDITORIUM.

[RACHEL is auditioning for Cabaret in front of SUE and SANDY. She performs an outstanding rendition of "Taking Chances" by Celine Dion.]

RACHEL: What do you say to taking chances

What do you say

To jumping off the edge

Never knowing

If there's solid ground below

Or hands to hold

Or hell to pay

What do you say

What do you say

SANDY: Wow.

RACHEL: What's next?

SANDY: Congratulations, miss Sally Bowles. You have just landed the lead.

[RACHEL is extremely happy. She puts her hands on her mouth and jumps up and down, excitedly.]

CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS' OFFICE.

[FIGGINS is sitting at his desk, with WILL, SUE, and SANDY in the office.]

WILL: This is a joke!

FIGGINS: William. Sandy's never been formally charged with anything, and the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash! This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in that chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program?

WILL: [to SUE] This was you. You have always been out to get me.

SUE: Oh, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a Mason jar on my shelf by now.

SANDY: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.

WILL: Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?

CUT TO: INT. WMHS DANCE STUDIO.

[RACHEL, dressed in tights and a leotard, is stretching and practicing ballet. WILL is there, talking to her.]

RACHEL: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents and I took it. How is that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?

WILL: Because I didn't do it out of spite.

RACHEL: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don't like me very much.

WILL: That's not true! I am your biggest, and sometimes your only fan.

RACHEL: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there! I try the hardest and I want it the most.

WILL: Everyone knows that. And they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win Regionals like that! We need everyone to think that they're a star.

CUT TO: INT. FIGGINS' OFFICE. CONT.

SUE: We're giving everyone a chance to think they're a star! We're providing opportunites. We're opening doors. Find your voice, stomp that yard, all that crap.

WILL: [to FIGGINS] What does she have on you?

[SANDY has had enough. He stands up.]

SANDY: Enough! I tried to play nice with you, William, but clearly, you'd prefer to be adversaries. So be it.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS DANCE STUDIO. CONT.

[RACHEL is now packing up her belongings and getting ready to leave.]

RACHEL: I'm not quitting Glee… I'm just looking for a reason to stay.

WILL: Oh, like me taking the solo away from Tina?

RACHEL: Everyone on the team is getting something out of being there. You're doing a great job at getting them out of their shells. Except for me. I'm still getting my lipstick flushed down the toilet… I still don't have a boyfriend. Tina's great, but why do you have to hurt me to make her feel good?

WILL: Just come to rehearsal.

[RACHEL turns and exits the dance studio, pensive.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS AUDITORIUM.

[TINA is singing "Tonight" from West Side Story on stage. WILL is at the side of the stage, encouraging her. Things are going great, but TINA gets nervous and blows the last note of the song. WILL comes over to her, clapping.]

TINA: Tonight, tonight

It all began tonight

I saw you and the world went away

Tonight, tonight

There's only you tonight

What you are, what you do, what you say

Today, all day I had the feeling

A miracle would happen

I know now I was right

For here you are

And what was just a world is a star

Tonight

WILL: That was great, Tina. Good job!

TINA: You don't have to say that. I was sh-sh-sharp. I c-c-c-can't do this.

WILL: Hey, hey, look at me. Have you noticed the more confident you are, the less you stutter? Hey… I need you to be great at Regionals. To do that, you've got to know that you can do this.

TINA: You have to give this song to Rachel. She's better than me, and you know she'll quit if you don't. I'll have to t-take one for the team.

[TINA turns and exits the auditorium, leaving a dejected WILL on stage. He sighs. A very grievous FINN walks past TINA to WILL.]

WILL: Hey, Finn. What's up?

[FINN tries to find the words to explain his feelings about QUINN's pregnancy, but he simply cannot. Instead, he cries on WILL's shoulder and WILL hugs him.]

CUT TO: INT. RESTAURANT IN LIMA.

[WILL and FINN are at a restaurant. They are going down the salad bar.]

FINN: Thanks a lot for this, Mr. Schue. Couldn't talk to my mom, you know?

WILL: [referring to QUINN] So how far along is she?

FINN: I don't know. Uh, a couple weeks, maybe? It's pretty recent, I guess.

[WILL and FINN walk to their table.]

WILL: Well, what do you, what do you need me to do? You want me to set you up with Planned Parenthood?

FINN: No. No, it's not even a conversation. She's keeping it.

[WILL and FINN sit down at their table with their food.]

FINN: I've seen the guys around town who had kids in high school. They work here or at the supermarket or pumping gas… or worse. They're caged. Got no future. I can't become one of those dudes! Mr. Schue, I gotta go to college, but we don't have any money. I need a football scholarship, but the only way I'm gonna get one is if we start winning.

WILL: I'm not a football coach.

FINN: Remember when we were working on that Acafella stuff and you helped me and Puck with the dancing?

WILL: Yeah.

FINN: You loosened us up. That's the football team's problem! I figured it out, watching Kurt kick those field goals.

[FINN pulls out a book titled "Never Die Easy: The Autobiography of Walter Payton."]

FINN: Here, check this out. I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopedias, but… It says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he – he won dance competitions on "Soul Train" and he took ballet lessons, and he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.

WILL: Alright, let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Eh… I don't think Ken will go for that.

FINN: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. And I'm sure some of them will want to join. It's a win-win for both of us.

[The camera suddenly pans to the table behind WILL and FINN. There, a young son and his father sit eating dinner. Acting like a father, WILL nods to FINN.]

WILL: Eat up.

CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.

[WILL and TERRI are in the bathroom, brushing their teeth at the mirror. WILL has presumably told TERRI about QUINN's pregnancy.]

TERRI: How far along is she?

WILL: A few weeks. It breaks my heart. I mean, they're both so scared to death, Ter. They're just kids. They can't raise a baby.

[TERRI suddenly stops brushing her teeth. A lightbulb has gone off in her head. She slowly continues brushing.]

WILL: I hear, this poor girl is so ashamed. She feels like she can't tell anybody. I mean, can you imagine? Having to hide something like that?

[TERRI again suddenly stops brushing her teeth. She is reminded of the way she is hiding her hysterical pregnancy from WILL. She slowly continues brushing.]

WILL: All that effort, covering that up.

TERRI: What did you say her name was? Quinn?

WILL: Quinn Fabray. Oh, and here's the kicker. She's president of the Celibacy Club.

"_So it was Finn and 's fault I had little miss crazy near me." Quinn said bitterly._

[WILL kisses TERRI's forehead and walks away. A grin sneaks onto TERRI's face; she now knows where she is going to get her baby.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS BOYS' LOCKER ROOM.

[The entire football team, KEN, and WILL are in the locker room. PUCK slams his locker door closed.]

PUCK: This is garbage! What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?!

FINN: Why don't you ask Kurt? He seems to be the only one who can score on this team, even in practice.

PUCK: So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now?

[KURT frowns in distaste at PUCK.]

WILL: Guys. Guys! Athletes are performers, just like singers and dancers. I mean, think about it. Jim Brown, Dick Butkus…

FINN: OJ.

WILL: OJ. Right. All pretty tough guys; all of them had big careers as performers. Now, I don't think you guys are losing because you don't have the talent. You're losing because you don't have the right attitude.

PUCK: Oh, I get it. We have think more like Amazonian black women.

WILL: Think about it. If you can sing and dance in front of people, everything else is easy.

PUCK: [to KEN] Coach. Please. Step in here.

KEN: I'm down with it. I mean, heck, what do we got to lose? We gave up our pride when we lost to that school for the deaf.

KURT: Sun Tzu says in his "Art of War" to never let the enemy know you. Our greatest weapon could be the element of surprise. Don't tell me that you wouldn't be on your heels if the other team started busting a move on the field.

[KEN blows his high-pitched whistle.]

KEN: Okay, too much talking, and not enough stretching. In the Choir Room in full pads in five. That's five minutes. Let's go!

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.

[The football team, in full uniform, is standing in the choir room under the supervision of KEN and WILL. WILL tries to teach them basic dance moves to the rhythm of the piano.]

WILL: Uh, five, six, seven, eight, step ball change, up! Den, den, den, deh. Buh, buh, buh, uh, buh, buh, buh.

[The team is mediocre at attempting these moves. WILL blows KEN's whistle.]

WILL: That's good, guys. Your hips are still a little tight. Okay? It's just like you're playing football. It's all about the lateral movements. Just stay low, and…

[KURT attempts to interject.]

WILL: Watch Kurt.

"_I bet you enjoyed that." Puck said _

"_Atchally, I hated having most of my bullies staring at me."_

[KURT attempts to teach the team the choreography to "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)". It is a bit better than the last attempt, but it still could use work.]

KURT: Alright, boys. Five, six, seven, hand, hand, point to the finger, hip, head. Oh! Sneak attack, back to the ring. Comb through the hair. Slap the butt.

[KEN blows his whistle loudly.]

KEN: Okay, that's enough for today, gentlemen. We'll…work on it. Just hit the showers.

KURT: [to KEN] Um, Coach, I don't mean to interject, but um, I think we should end with a show circle.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[PUCK and FINN are walking out of the football team's dance rehearsal in the Choir Room. FINN looks exhausted and worried.]

PUCK: What's your problem?

FINN: Nothing. I just got a lot on my mind.

PUCK: Seriously, dude. What's going on? I'm your best friend. Talk.

FINN: It's personal.

PUCK: I knew it. You're in love with Kurt.

FINN: Quinn's pregnant. She's keeping the baby.

[FINN walks away and PUCK's eyes grow wider. He cannot believe his ears.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is walking down another hallway, carrying her books. She looks worried, just like FINN did previously. PUCK comes out of a corridor.]

PUCK: Sup, MILF?

QUINN: Leave me alone.

[QUINN continues walking, but PUCK follows after her.]

PUCK: Who's the daddy? I just think it's kind of weird if it's Finn, since you told me you were a virgin when we did it… And I know for a fact that you didn't do it with him.

QUINN: How can you be so sure?

PUCK: Finn's my boy. He would have told me.

QUINN: You make a habit of sleeping with your boys' girlfriends?

[QUINN walks down the hallway, and to get her attention, PUCK makes a spectacle over his next line, throwing his hands in the air and shouting loudly.]

PUCK: Well, call the Vatican! We've got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!

[QUINN races back to PUCK and drags him to the nearest corridor to talk privately.]

PUCK: I'd take care of it, you know. You, too. My dad's a deadbeat but I don't roll that way.

QUINN: Weren't you fired for peeing in the fast-food fryolator?

PUCK: I've got my pool cleaning business.

QUINN: We live in Ohio. I had sex with you because you got me drunk on wine coolers and I felt fat that day, but it was a mistake. You're a Lima loser and you're always gonna be a Lima loser.

[QUINN runs down the hallway, overcome with emotion.]

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS PARKING LOT / QUINN'S CAR.

[It is pouring down rain outside. QUINN comes running to her car. She is crying. She opens the car door, sits down in the drivers' seat, and sobs for a few seconds before she is interrupted by a voice. TERRI is sitting in the passenger seat.]

TERRI: How many weeks are you? From the looks of you, I'd say no more than five or six. I assume you haven't told your parents yet. I mean, how could you? After Daddy bought you this car so you could drive him to the Chastity Ball. You can't raise this baby, Quinn.

QUINN: I'm sorry, but who are you?

TERRI: I'm just somebody who wants to help.

QUINN: I don't need your help! Get the hell out of my car!

TERRI: Really? What kind of prenatal vitamins are you taking?

[QUINN has no response to this question. TERRI goes searching through her purse and pulls out a bottle of prenatal vitamins.]

TERRI: Yeah. Here. Three times a day, or your baby will be ugly.

QUINN: I don't understand. What do you want from me?

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD.

[It is the night of the football team. Cheerleaders, including QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY, are cheering. EMMA is sitting in the crowded bleachers, cleaning off the seat next to her with a moist towelette. WILL approaches her.]

WILL: Anyone sitting here?

EMMA: Um, no. Here, here, you can…

[WILL smiles and takes a seat next to EMMA for the game.]

WILL: Well, at least I know it's clean.

EMMA: Yeah.

["The Star-Spangled Banner" begins to play over the intercom.]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS BOYS' LOCKER ROOM.

[KEN opens a case of whistles. After pondering for a moment, he selects one, and warms it up in his hands.]

CUT TO: EXT. WMHS FOOTBALL FIELD. CONT.

[The football team, including PUCK, FINN, KURT, and a player named NICK, is standing on the side of the field, preparing for the game.]

FINN: Well, I think we, uh, really came together this week as a team.

PUCK: Yeah, a gay team. A big gay team of dancing gays.

[KURT is visibly unhappy after hearing PUCK's homophobic remark.]

NICK: Seriously, Finn. It was fun in practice and all, but we can't do that out here in front of everybody! It'll make us even more of a joke.

[KURT looks at FINN as if to say "Do something!", but the team heads out to the field and puts their helmets on. It is game time. The crowd, including WILL and EMMA, cheers happily.]

FINN: Divert right. Eighty-seven on one. Break.

FOOTBALL TEAM: Break!

[The REFEREE blows his whistle to signal the official start of the game. A RUDE PLAYER from the other team yells to FINN.]

RUDE PLAYER: Yo, QB! Your momma's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. Give me some ketchup!

FINN: [ignoring the RUDE PLAYER's remark] Down, set, hut!

[The team does very badly in the first play. KEN and the crowd are disappointed.]

FINN: Punch and Judy on one, break!

[Again, the team does terribly. KEN is frustrated.]

KEN: Come on!

[BURT makes his way up the bleachers. Seeing him, KURT waves and jumps up and down from the bench.]

KURT: Dad! Dad!

[BURT makes a subtle wave.]

KURT: I told you! I told you!

[The game resumes.]

FINN: Jordan versus Bird on one!

KEN: Run!

[KEN throws his stuff on the ground. The scoreboard then changes. There are only twelve seconds left in the game. BURT looks unhappy in the bleachers.]

FINN: Cupid tips on one, break!

[The timer resumes counting down. FINN's mind is racing. He sees QUINN, KURT, and WILL. With one second remaining, he calls for a time out.]

FINN: Time out! [then, to PUCK] Dude. We gotta do it.

PUCK: We will be jokes for the rest of our high school lives.

FINN: We're already jokes! I don't wanna be a Lima loser for the rest of my life.

[PUCK looks over to QUINN with the cheerleaders. Then, the RUDE PLAYER from the other team starts talking to PUCK.]

RUDE PLAYER: Yo, left tackle! Your momma's so fat, her cereal comes with its own lifeguard. Like Baywatch!

PUCK: Hey, ankle grabber. I had sex with your mother. No, seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

[The RUDE PLAYER does not know what to say. Clearly, PUCK actually did have intercourse with the player's mother.]

PUCK: [to FINN] Let's do it, captain.

FINN: [to the entire team] Come on, huddle up! Huddle up! Okay. "Ring On It" on three. Yeah. Alright? Come on! On three! One, two, three, break!

FOOTBALL TEAM: Break.

[QUINN, SANTANA, and BRITTANY are shown cheering with the cheerleaders. At first the team is hesitant, but they do agree to dancing.]

FINN: Hut, one, two, three. Let's hit it!

[FINN makes a motion, and suddenly "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" is playing over the intercom. The whole football team dances to the song, much to the disbelief of BURT and the opposing team.]

FINN: Hike!

[FINN passes the football to PUCK, who makes it all the way to the end of the field. KEN and the entire crowd are extremely pleased.]

KEN: [to KURT] You're up, kid. You make this and we win. You make this and you die a legend.

KURT: Can I pee first?

[KURT makes his way to the center of the field.]

BURT: God, he's so little.

[KURT makes a motion with his hand. A short portion of "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" again plays over the intercom. Kurt dances for a few seconds, and then kicks the ball and makes the field goal.]

FINN: Ten, hut!

[The REFEREE blows his whistle. The game is over, and the Titans have won. All thanks to KURT. BURT goes crazy in the crowd.]

BURT: That's my son! That is my boy!

[PUCK is happy until he looks over to see QUINN and FINN kissing. His smile quickly disappears. He walks off the field.]

CUT TO: INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.

[KURT is sitting at a mirror, spraying his face with some sort of skin care product. He proceeds to work at his skin with a pink sponge. BURT walks down the stairs and nods.]

KURT: Night time skin care is a big part of my post-game ritual.

BURT: Well, I don't know what to say about that, but, uh… I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt. I wish your mom would have been there, I mean… alive.

KURT: Thanks.

[BURT turns to go away, but KURT stops him. He has something he wants to say.]

KURT: Dad?

[KURT stands up. BURT turns around and focuses on KURT.]

KURT: I…have something that I wanna say. I'm glad that you're proud of me, but I don't wanna lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really showed me that I can be anything, and… what I am… is… I'm gay.

BURT: I know.

KURT: Really?

BURT: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Okay?

[BURT brings KURT in close for a hug.]

BURT: Thanks for telling me, Kurt.

[KURT nods. BURT turns to go upstairs and KURT sits back down at his mirror.]

BURT: You're sure, right?

KURT: Yeah, Dad. I'm sure.

BURT: I'm just checking.

CUT TO: INT. QUINN'S LOCKER / WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is standing at her locker. She closes it and FINN approaches. She smiles.]

FINN: Hey.

[FINN pulls a torn baby blanket out of his pocket.]

FINN: Here. It's my gee-ge. This is the baby blanket my dad got me the day I was born. It was the only thing I had to remember him by. I used to cry without it, and I took it everywhere with me, so it's a little dirty. But I want our baby to have it.

[QUINN is taken aback at FINN's kind gesture. She now feels especially awful that the baby is not actually FINN's.]

FINN: I'm gonna do everything I can to be a good father.

QUINN: Thank you, Finn.

[PUCK walks up to FINN and QUINN. QUINN looks uncomfortable.]

PUCK: Hey, guys. How you doing? You know, lately, I've been getting really sick in the morning.

QUINN: Must be a virus.

PUCK: Hey, are you putting on a little weight? You should watch your carbs. They're not going to be able to hoist you to the top of that cheerleading pyramid much longer.

FINN: Hey. Don't talk to my girlfriend like that.

PUCK: You know what? You're right. I was out of line. See you guys around.

[PUCK walks away from QUINN and FINN.]

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM.

[SUE is sitting at her desk in the WOHN news room. SUE'S CORNER begins. An instrumental versions of "Taking Chances" is playing in the background.]

SUE: You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest, people ask me, "Sue, what's your secret?" Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM.

[WILL walks in the door with PUCK, and football players MIKE CHANG and MATT RUTHERFORD. The entire Glee Club is already present.]

WILL: Hey guys! Let's give a big Glee welcome to our three new members fresh off their big win on Friday night – Noah Puckerman, Matt Rutherford, and Mike Chang. Regionals, here we come.

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up.

CUT TO: INT. WMHS CHOIR ROOM. CONT.

WILL: Let's start today with "Tonight" from West Side Story.

[RACHEL beams at the prospect of singing this song, and nods fervently.]

WILL: Tina, show us what you got.

[RACHEL is upset. The solo is still not hers. She has not gotten what she wants.]

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain, "I'm riddled with this disease!" or "I was in that tsunami." To them, I say, "Shake it up a bit!" Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you're living.

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE.

[SANDY is painting a set piece for the musical. RACHEL walks in.]

SANDY: I thought you had Glee practice, my little multi-tasking star.

RACHEL: I quit. I'm yours exclusively.

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: I'll often yell at homeless people, "Hey! How's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try, huh?"

CUT TO: INT. BACKSTAGE. CONT.

RACHEL: "Maybe This Time" in B flat?

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: You know something, Ohio? It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place.

CUT TO: INT. HUMMEL BASEMENT.

[KURT is sitting at his mirror. He sighs while he scrubs his skin with a pink sponge.]

CUT TO: INT. WOHN NEWS ROOM. CONT.

SUE: But let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise! How you take it is up to you.

CUT TO: INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT.

[WILL and TERRI are in bed. TERRI is asleep, but WILL is restless. He is watching SUE'S CORNER on his television.]

SUE: [on television] Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and one day… They will. And that's how Sue sees it.

[During the last line, SUE lifts her right hand up to make the letter "C."]

CUT TO: INT. WMHS HALLWAY.

[QUINN is standing at her locker. She looks quite worn down. She cannot possibly do this.]

CUT TO BLACK

CREDITS ROLL

"_Now that was that episode." Quinn said slightly teary "um we have to switch discs." She said standing to do it, at the same time puck got up and they both walked over to the laptop and sorted it out._

"_I bet before the week is out they'll be together." Said Blaine to Kurt._

"_Nah, a little bit longer. She's really stubborn." Kurt said._

**A/N: That is that one. The next one is gonna be a bit of a filler.**

**Truth or dare mainly. You guys would be angles if you gave me some suggestions *****wink, wink***

**It would be wonderful if you gave me some suggestions for parings :**

**Klaine is end-game**

**Quick is end-game**

**Niff is end-game**

**The rest up for debate**

**Toodels.**


End file.
